Past Thanksgivings

When I was a little girl Thanksgiving started at school. We read stories about the pilgrims and the indians. We sang songs about gratitude and love. We made funny black hats and wore aprons. Pumpkin pie was enjoyed several times just because.

Mom was a single mom when being a single mom wasn't talked about. She worked HARD. We always managed to have a turkey. Her sacrifices during the summer paid off in a feast that would be remembered all year long.  She made two kinds of dressing for the turkey. One with oysters and one without. She eventually told me the story about how she came to not like oysters. I laughed when she told me about trying to eat an oyster right out of the can and almost throwing up as it slide down her throat.

We as kids NEVER  felt deprived. We didn't know we were poor until someone else told us. The only thing we missed was a father.We lived above a skidrow bar. We learned early how to dodge drunks. Somehow she preserved our inocense. We were good kids and it was she who made sure we stayed that way. She loved us with all her heart, soul and strength.  She made the holidays magical starting with Thanksgiving. It's no wonder that I miss her so much.

The holidays are proving hard.

I sometimes have problems with Thanksgiving anyway. This is the time of year that I miss the kids (the two tht we don't have contact with). But this year it is harder because I am missing Mom too. I have been having nightmares. Dreams I haven't  had to deal with for a very long time. Dreams where I am taking care of things and the kids are there making it hard. The difference is Mom is there too. She is alive and strong. And when I normally wake up to end the awefulness of it now I am fighting to stay asleep because I am enjoying having her with me. It's craziness I know. I called my grief counselor and asked him for a meet up. I think it will help. At least it will give me permission to cry. It seems so much of the time I am sucking it in and telling myself "Not now." But there doesn't seem to be a time to cry. My husband and others are pleased with the way I am "handling" things. Little do they know that I'm not handling anything right now. I HATE the fact that I haven't buried Mom properly yet. I also hate the way I have to be for everyone else. It doesn't matter that there are times I am madder then hell. I soooo want to beat something up. It makes me mad that I  have to go on like everything is ok now. It's not ok and I want someone else other then me to know that. I hate that I am giving in and being socially acceptable. I hate that I have stopped taking the anti-depressants because my husband wanted me to. I hate the fact that there are days that I actually enjoy the day and everything is the way it should be and then there are days like today whenI am quietly miserible.

I have applied for a second job. When I get it, I will be able to save for the trip to Minnesota. I am praying that I can do that next spring. I will take Mom back and bury her where she wanted (not where it is convient for my sister or brothers) . I will contact my brother to see if I can get her pictures. IF he still has them. I can't see a commercial for Storage Wars without getting really upset. I am so scared that he has lost that storage and that is why he won't send me the pictures.

Sunday was special

 Sunday was special. We went to church then went out for dinner. We went to the Festival of Trees and then we went to a special Memorial service for all the people who passed away and were served by Sunset Funeral Services. It was special to me because my mother died on May 15th this year but I haven't been able to bury her yet. My siblings were not interested in a service for her. I REALLY needed the service. I am praying that I will be able to take her home for a proper burial next spring. But, in the meantime the service this weekend was nice. Of courase I cried and was sad for the rest of the day. But sad isn't bad.

Thanks to God and Financial Peace University

Everything is beginning to look a lot better. Unexpected funds and refreshing what I already learned from FPU we are almost out of the mess that happened after Mom died. Looking back, I can see that we were very definitely under attack. I do not like to use those terms but there is no other explanation.

When Mom started to decline, I cut my working hours by 12 hours a week so I could spend more time with her. It put a strain on our budget that slowly festered into a really big problem. My car died two weeks before Mom died. I used our emergency fund to buy a different car. I needed that money for Mom's burial expenses. Then Myron's truck broke down a few days after Mom died. Cremation expenses, decreased work hours, car repairs, truck repairs and grief all at once. YUCK!!

But, counseling and good steady friends have seen us through and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I made myself sit down and redo our budget.It is amazing how much we waste when we do not keep track. I got an unexpected bonus and we got Myron's truck back today. No more asking for rides or long waits to be picked up. And I just made payment arrangements with our mortgage company. I would not have been able to talk to them the way I did without the knowledge from FPU. I took control of the conversation and I told them what I could afford to pay and when. God did the rest by giving me favor. The bank officer even told me how to tell them where to apply my extra payments so I would get the most credit for it. By the end of the month they will be caught up. They were going to start foreclosure on Aug 4. With all back payments caught up I can re-establish our insurances, the last step tore-establishing our financial responsibility.

It took some serious steps. I downgraded my iPhone. We will still cut the cord to our satellite tv, no eating out for a very LONG time and NO CRAFT SUPPLY BUYING. Even when I can spend on crafts again it will be very controlled and thought out. I have pledged to use what I have. Mom would be proud.

With the finances coming under control, I will be able to concentrate on Mom's memorial service. I hate that I haven't officially buried her yet. But, now I am relaxing and I think we can come together and honor her the way she deserves. The service is not for her as much as it is for us. I can now imagine her happy and strong. It's a good picture.

Trip to Missouri

We went to Missouri to see Aaron and his family. Aaron is home from Afghanastan for two week leave. We went down on Friday and came back on Sunday. It was a too short visit but it was nice. We crowded as much as we could into two days. The kids are precious. Aaron look good. He doesn't talk a lot about his assignment and we respect his reasons. So in spite of the elephant in the room we had a good time.

Towards the end of the visit I started to get anxious. All the people and the noise really started to get to me. I'm not sure if it was my emotional state or the hearing aids. All I know is Saturday night I couldn't get out of there fast enough and Sunday night I was SOOOOOO glad when we dropped my daughter and grand children off at their home. The quiet was blissfully sad because as much as I NEEDED the quiet I also wanted to have the time with my daughter, grand children, and son. I sooooo hate feeling so fragile.

I know I am dealing with my grief in a healthy way. I will continue to see the grief counselor as often as he is willing to come. We are slowly recovering from the financial disaster that I created. Myron has been so patient. He knows I feel bad enough, so he does not add to it. Actually, nothing has really changed, I'm just not stressing as much over it. We are still behind on payments. Haven't gotten any overdrafts this week but that doesn't mean we won't. I have taken the attitude that we will pay and pay and pay until the money is gone then we won't won't won't.

Then yesterday, I got a letter from my father who I have not heard from or seen since I was 2 1/2. They want me to write and to call. Close friends and Myron are telling me to be cautious. I'm not sure how I feel or what I want. All I know is I am vulnerable right now and I do not trust my judgement.
This is one of those times I wish Mom was here for me to talk to. Although I don't think I would have this decision to make if she were alive. So I look at her picture and I wonder what would she tell me to do.

Fatigue Mystery

I'm back to thinking my tiredness is the meds. Yesterday and today I have not been tired. I have been able to work under the bright lights just fine and I feel pretty good. The Dr. and counselor said it would take me two weeks to adjust the meds. So maybe what is happening is part of that. All I know is I felt really aweful over the weekend and Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday and today are much better.

I have all kinds of people calling to check on me all of a sudden. I have more appointments then I know what to do with. LOL I will be well counseled by tomorrow night. Really, I don't mind having dinner with the Pastor's wife. But  I could do without the visit from the SW from the funeral home. But she said she would help me find out how to get Mom's name on her family stone in Minnesota. So I agreed to meet with her tomorrow. The grief counselor from hospice comes once a week. I really needed to talk to him at first. But I can see me having him come less often in the near future.

My sister is suppose to call tonight.

I think I Might Have Figured Out Why I Am So Tired

My old office had one small window and I got horrible headaches from the ceiling lights. I literally took the fluorescent bulbs out of my office and replaced them with  lamps. Now, I am not getting headaches, but I am SO tired before noon that I fight to stay awake by 5:30pm (time to go home). My new office is twice big as the old one and my window is directly behind me when I sit at my computer. Yesterday, I was so tired when I went home all I wanted was to lie down. I have been thinking it is the anti-depressant medication that was making me so tired. But last night I didn't lay down but started to fix supper. By the time I had supper ready, I felt better. I don't have many overhead lights at home. So today I am trying out leaving the overhead lights off in my office. I hope it works. It would be an easy fix.

I have been seeing a grief counselor for a few weeks and I have mentioned the meds. I feel better, and I am able to function at work OK. Our finances are horrible. I can get really down when I think about that. But, we have been in just as bad shape financially and survived. We will survive this too. It just takes time.

In the meantime, I am explaining to everyone that during the last few weeks of Mom's illness and after her death, I was not thinking real clear and I made to really bad choices. My checking accounts are a mess. So we are going to a cash only system (which we should have been on all along). When the money is gone we stop paying. We will catch up eventually.

I played around with the idea of selling my flute. But, to be able to make that kind of sacrifice I would have to get what the flute is worth and I don't think I could. So I have pretty much given that idea up. Besides, I want to play it at Mom's memorial service in October.

One thing that probably won't happen is, I won't be taking her ashes to Minnesota in September unless our finances improve dramatically. That is possible but it doesn't look good. I'm OK with that. We will go when it doesn't hurt us financially. Mom will be OK with that.

It's nice not feeling so torn apart. I miss Mom a lot of course. But, I am starting to  look forward. I know Mom expects me to be able to carry on. She raised me to be strong. That is what I will be.

I Hate Banks

I deposited two checks refunded to me from the funeral home yesterday. The bank called me just now -- THEY made a mistake and didn't debit our account in April and are taking the money NOW. Everything that the funeral home refunded is gone. I am back to not having gas for the car or the funds to pay a bill that is due tomorrow. UGH!!  What do you do when what God provides is taken away? I am SO dissapointed.

I've had a couple of hours to think and to pray and I feel much better. This little bump in the road has just made me more determined to spend less so we can save more and be better prepared the next time "the sky" decides to "fall". I refuse to be a victim to ANYTHING. It might takes us a little while but we are not going to be here forever.

Well, Carl, God has Provided

I received a refund from the funeral home yesterday. It's enough to pay the biggest of our remaining bills. Now we can put gas in the car to finish out our week.

 I think I should be excited about this, but I'm not. I'm not sure if my lack of emotion is the greif or the medicine I am on for the grief. I'm less sad, but I am less everything else too. But I've only been taking it since Friday and the Dr told me it would take two weeks for me to feel much different. I am not convinced that a drug can help this kind of sadness. But I am willing to try. I trust the Dr and the grief conselor. I know one thing for sure the other stuff was interfering with my ability to work. If this interferes I will quit it.




- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Finances are an unnecessary part of my greiving

Still no help from my siblings. I used ALL our extra and some of our bill money to pay for Mom's cremation. So now we are scrambling to make everything good. The more I struggle to pay our bills the angrier I get. How easy it is for them to tell me, "God will supply" --"I'll try." and do nothing.

I reworked our budget this afternoon. With the extra expenses AND cut hours we are SO not making it. How fast we recover will depend on how much we can do without and how many work hours Myron gets and of course holidays will hurt too. Neither of us get paid holidays.

Today I downgraded our phone service and we will "cut the cord" from our tv service. All total it will come to $150 a month savings.

It's not the finances or the changes that I am angry about. It's all those years they had her close and she was herself. When she was weak and feeble they let me have her and now I will do this one last thing alone.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Too Tired

I am weening myself off the medication I started taking a couple weeks before Mom died. I was having heart pain and the Dr thought it was a result from dealing with Mom's illness. Well, now I am so tired I can hardly move, although today is the second day I have cut my doses. I feel more alert but I am still so tired. At least after a stress test last week I know it isn't my heart. Dr. wants me to have blood work done. He thinks I might have a low thyroid. It makes sence. but getting to the lab to have my blood drawn is going to be a trick. I might have to take time from work to do it.

Grief is an Individual process

I am so not with it today. But I will fight to do what I have to. After tomorrow I will have completed my first FULL work week since Mom died. I am so sad that I haven't been more sensitve to others pain after a loss of a loved one. Experiencing this for myself really opens my eyes to the emotional pain that surrounds a death. I sure hope in the future I will be more attentive.

I REALLY hate how everything has gone back to normal for EVERYONE except me. I hate the fact that I have NO control over how I feel from day to day. I cannot set my will to be strong or even give up and be a total whimp. Greif has a life of it's own. It carries me allow with or against my will. It is a craziness that is unpredictable. All my good intentions, self preserving defense mechinisms are usless. I am a small rubber ball being bounced about by big merciless waves . None of the rules apply now.

Work is my most merciless environement.  I honestly do not know what to expect. The music helps the most. I play it almost continueously. At home I wonder from room to room. I'll be glad when the truck is fixed. The walks in the morning helped steady my emotions before work.

It's Driving Me Crazy

Everyday I check my text and email. I have not heard from my brother since I called the day Mom died. I told him I needed money to bury her. He said ,"God will supply." I've heard from my sister once since I called. She at least asked for our address. So I guess instead of checking for text I ought to be checking regular mail. Must be part of the aloneness I am feeling.

I talk to Mom. Yesterday the more I talked to her the angrier I got. But, somehow I felt better. Just allowing myself to form the thoughts seemed to help. I feel really CRAZY getting mad at a dead woman.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

How Do I Get Closure?

And what does that mean?

I had my first session with a grief counselor yesterday. I did a lot of crying and talking. Today I'm doing a lot of thinking. Most of what he said I agree with.

Because we have not had a memorial service yet I don't feel like I can say goodbye. But on the other hand I have time now to decide how I want to say goodbye and do it right. The hardest thing for me to come to terms with is yes it's a memorial to honor Mom but it's also about what I want. It feels like I'm planning a party for her but I am making all the choices. It feels backwards somehow.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Tomorrow I WILL Face Getting Rid of Mom's Clothes

They can't stay in the livingroom forever. And tomorrow is my day off. I am going to ask my daughter to help me take them to the Senior Center. I might keep one or two things that I liked on her and put them away in a keepsake box.

Childish Wishes

I shouldn't have tried it-- I googled Mom's name and it shows her death date already. I then googled my birth father and I got an address and phone number -- obviously still living. The man did nothing but give me life. I wish he were dead and Mom alive.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Ride in my HOT car on the way back to work

I had to go to Williamsport for a stress test today. The drive over was at least comfortable but the ride back was really HOT. The car theromoter read 84. That made me think about the road trips we took as kids. Mom usually picked a couple close places for us to go - the park being one of my favorites. We would do what all kids do and ignore the NO WADING --SHOES ARE REQUIRED signs and take our shoes off and wade in the creek. We spent the whole day there. By the time we got back to the car we were soaked. The hot air had us dry before we got home

But, once or twice we to really long trips. We went to Denver -- Mount Rushmore. For me ANYWHERE we went was OK. I hated the inner city with it's noice, druggies and whinos. Home wasn't a safe place when I was young. Not because Mom didn't try.

But the hot air and having to have the window down today made me remember those fun trips. She always had a way to make the long hours in the car an adventure. We would stop to eat not at McDonald's like I did today but at someplace that LOOKED nice. I'm sure Mom had a totally different perspctive about stopping in the middle of no where with three young kids. But I have really warm and fuzzy memories of our road trips. Denver will always remain one of my favorite places in the whole world. not because I remember it being a neat place but because I remember the fun time we had there.

We talked about fixing the air in the car-- it's probably a good thing to do but today I enjoyed not having it.

Thinking of the Future of this Journal

Eventually, I will end my posts to this journal. But I do not want the journey that Mom and I took together to be forgotten. So I am creating a page on my orginal blog for this journal. But for the time being I still need to post here from time to time.  I will announce when my journal is ended. Just not now.

I Want to be Positive -- I really do

It's been two weeks since Mom died and I still feel like I'm locked in a bad dream. I haven't heard from my sister or brother since the day Mom died and I asked for help with her burial expenses. The burial expenses are paid but our finances are stretched to the very limit. Actually we are going to struggle for a couple of months. So, I am angry besides the hurt of missing Mom.

She is in that awful little black box. I want to take her back to Minnesota and we are stretching everything just to get by. Car died, truck died, checks bouncing, bills not being paid, Mom's clothes in plastic bags still in the living room I haven't made myself take care if them. I keep wanting to see her, touch her, talk to her. I want to stop crying.

Somedays are actually normal. But others--I wake up missing her. I honestly don't know if I'm mourning or worrying over the finances.
Either one by themself is a pretty big problem. Together they are too much. Myron keeps telling me, we've been through worse. Maybe--
I just wish I could wake up.

We signed Mom up for hospice services the Friday before she died. They offer bereavement services for 13 months. I am going to take advantage of that. If nothing else it will be a chance to say how I REALLY feel without being judged as faithless.

If there is one thing I have learned through having cancer and now loosing Mom is having "faith" does not keep you from being normal. Having faith means there is ultimately Someone to help you through. It's the going through with grace that sets us apart not the idea of escaping the pain. If I didn't cry for Mom, I would be heartless or at least sick. Crying is not defeat. Not being able to go on -- now that is defeat.

- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Making Progress

I'm actually proud of the progress I am making at work. The key is still not to push too hard but to keep moving. I am actually catching up. But, I have SLOWED DOWN a lot.

The second key is DO NOT THINK too much. Only about what is on my desk. It's working. Thanks CR, couldn't be doing it without you.

Walks

I have been taking the time I would be reading to Mom to walk. Often I start out crying but almost always I end up feeling better.


Mom was a prayer warrior. I took this a few days before her death.



Just getting started.




I took this picture because I was thinking about how out of reach Mom was. The closed gate seemed to visualize how I was feeling.




They're real pretty but no smell.
Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 10

Last night was just as aweful as I imagined it would be. The furneral home director came to the door and handed me a black plastic square box the size of a coffee can. I looked at it and thought this can't be what used to me my mother. I cried.

I tried to do my homework but the black box kept coming to mind. I watched Idol. I didn't enjoy it or do I care who wins tonight. I finally just went to bed.

This morning I forgot to feed my cat. Poor cat. I will feed him when I get home tonight. It looked like rain so I took my umbrella with me and I went to my favorite place to walk. It took me 15 minutes longer to walk. I wasn't trying to walk fast. I just walked. Actually, I feel better. The walks HAVE to be a part of my days for awhile.

I thought about this or that. I wondered who first thought of ghosts. How did the myth of ghosts get started? or mummys, or zombies. Who started turning death into something ugly? I wanted to feel Mom close. I didn't today. I have though and I'm sure I will again. I will welcome the sense of her. I hung the windchime I bought for her while she was in the nursing home in front of my office window. I get pleasure making it chime as I walk by. I smile as I listen to the tinkling and watch the prisms dance. For now ANY little thing that reminds me of her brings me pleasure. The other stuff I just shut it down.

Ashes Being Delivered to my House Tomorrow

I got the call as I was going back to work from lunch. It threw me for a loop. I started making mistakes, I couldn't concentrate. I finally told my boss it might be better if I quit for the day. Man, I sure can't do that very often. Again I held it together while at work but with a huge price. I am SO tired. It takes a lot out of me to go on as though nothing is wrong.

The Saturday before Mom died, Myron went in with me to see Mom. He didn't go very often. We were mostly checking to see if the hospice kept their word about replacing her mattress. He got close to her face and joked with her. As weak as she was she still responded to his teasing. Her sence of humor carried her right up to the end. She loved Myron and she joked with him all the time. Just one more reason to love him.

One week

The telephone was our way to stay connected. Before unlimited long distance we struggled with high phone bills.

When I was taking treatments for cancer, I would hurry home to call Mom. I never told her how rotten I really felt. Just hearing her voice made me feel better. We talked about the birds I saw that day at my feeder, how my cat imagined himself a great hunter and how the barn swallows dive bombed him. We cried together when he went out to hunt and never came back. We excitedly planned my visit between chemotherapy and radiation. That was the most foolish trip I ever took. I wasn't strong enough to travel but I wanted my mom. I literally spent a week with her in assisted care.

I wish I could call her now. I know many, many people survive loosing a parent. I also know that someday I will enjoy my days again. For now I just go through my day, I smile when I am suppose to. I reply appropriately. But inside I am SCREAMING! I feel like there is a big mark between my eyes that says "mourning". It takes me awhile to realize that most people are completely unaware of my sadness.

I told Myron I didn't remember how long I felt sad after the babies died. He said a long, long time. This sadness hurts more. Maybe because I didn't actually know the babies. I have a lifetime of memories with Mom. I think too since she is my ONLY parent I am more sad.

I talked to a friend of mine. She lost her husband a little over a year ago. She says the grief ambushes you. She says in someways she did better the first year then she is doing now. I know she struggles. She is still very angry at God for not healing. I prayed for healing but I accepted very early on that wasn't going to happen for Mom. I did ask for more time. I feel so cheated. So maybe I am angry at God. Another friend once told me that God is big eough to handle our anger. But, I'm not really REALLY angry. I am SAD.
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

I Still Find Life as Usual Hard to Take

I took more money to the funeral home today. I'm not sure where I stand with them. Sunday they Said I needed $735 besides the $600 death benefit Mom was entitled to. The receptionist said the Director would call me. It feels like they are holding Mom's ashes for ransom. I'm not in a hurry I am actually dreading it.

We went to a store and looked at "reunification" plagues. Kathy bought one. I wanted an urn that could go in my garden. I found one online. Funds are low this month but June will be here soon. I also bought a performance cd. Mom loved my flute. She was so proud. So I am going to play my flute for her memorial. I'm glad it doesn't have to be right now.

Today has been hard but I feel I have made good progress.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Why isn't the world stopping?

The world stopped when Bin Ladden died. Why is it life as usual now. My mother was a quiet gentle woman. I don't want my life to keep going like nothing happened.

Myron said he found comfort in business as usual. I'm not. Maybe I went back to work too soon. Yesterday was a good day. I worked hard and I went home tired. Today my day will be longer-- work until 4 no later then 5 then class from 6 til 9. At least my car is starting like it is suppose to. But, I would usually look forward to class. Today I'm not. At least it is review for me.

I missed a stress test last Monday. I rescheduled it for June 1, 2011. Might be a problem. One of my employers is having surgery that day. We'll see. It's Wednesday, I have clas in the evening. After a stress test in the morning I am going to need some time off to rest.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

I'm going back to work today

It may be soon and I have two months of housework to catch up on, but for today I need to be with people and I need to be busy. I need to take my mind off the fact that my mother is being reduced to a container of ash. I want to be able to think about letters that need to be written and phones that need to be answered--"Bartlett Counseling Services. This is Linda. May I help you?"

Kathy (my daughter) helped me bring all of Mom's things home. They are sitting in the living room because I can't deal with them yet. Myron is complaining about having to walk around them. But if I get rid of them, she will be more gone. Right now I look at the sack of clothes and I think "those are Mom's clothes. I'm sitting in "Mom's rocker". I just don't want her to be completely gone.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

What do I write now?

There is still a lot to be taken care of. I still haven't talked to Carl (my brother). He was suppose to call yesterday and didn't. Financial arrangements have to be discussed. Her things have to be cleared out of her room. I don't think I'll go to work today. Myron will, but that's OK. I need some time alone.

I can't believe I won't ever see her again. It's hard to imagine my life without her in it. My sorrow is for me only. I don't wish her back.

It took me awhile to find a funeral home to take her body. She had no money, no insurance. Most funeral homes want their money up front. Criticisms were voiced(not to me of course) about how disrespectful it was to leave her there for so long. But since she was being cremated as long as I didn't make a decision , I had her to go back to. I didn't and I finally made a choice. With the choice came the realization I would never see her again. And that my mother was being reduced to a carton of ashes. I had no idea how that would make me feel. It hurts -- it all hurts.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

It's Over

Mom died this morning. I am numb.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Lilacs

The DON brought Mom a little sprig of lilac. Mom didn't open her eyes but it is obvious that she enjoyed them


Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Today I am at peace

So what-- this is about Mom -not me, right? But where I am now is unavoidable and part of Mom's dying process. So much of what she was is already gone. She doesn't voice wants or dislikes anymore. She just lays there --waiting. I watch over her, searching for little things, ways to make her waiting easier -- a lip balm with a flavor in it, music (however, staff keeps turning it off). She still enjoys being read to. I have several books at her bedside she enjoys. She stll enjoys teasing. It amazes me how enduring her sense of humor is. I watch for any little sign that she is in pain. But she appears to be comfortable. She receives a low dose narcotic patch that can be increased if she needs it.
I wish I could put everything on hold and just concentrate on her. My life keeps interfering. But I have to work, floors still need vacuuming, clothes and dishes still need to be washed. Grandchildren still need loving. I give her as much of my time as I can - more then I should. I would put everything on hold if I could. I pay bills late (some not at all). I know I am making more trouble for myself down the line but I just don't care. As much as possible my world has stopped.

- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Park Ave,Covington,United States

The end will come soon now

Today Mom's IV infiltrated after only three days. The nurse on duty wanted me to authorize a midline. I refused. Mom has had enough. So she is now getting nothing by mouth and no IV. Dr said it would be my decision. It is by far the hardest decision I ever had to make. But now that I have all I want is to be with her when the end comes.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Beautiful Friday

Took Mom out last Friday. It was a spur of the moment thing. The weather was perfect. We went to a protected part of the yard. Kathy read to her.


Mom was alert the whole time, about a half hour.



Hugs






Sitting in her room waiting to be put back to bed.

Took Mom outside again yesterday. She didn't enjoy it as much. The Dr talked to me again. He was very kind but what he has to say is so hard.
Basically, Mom is dying. Her body us shutting down. The IV gives her just enough nutrition to keep her kidneys from shutting down. She is on comfort care. He explained that she can exist like she is for a very long time. He said it was up to me when to discontinue the IV. Why does it feel like he is asking me to kill my mother?

- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

How Do I Win This Fight

I shortened my work days so I can be at the nursing home more. Not so I can be with Mom more but to keep an eye on her care. Her turn schedule is a pain. Some NA just don't take it seriously. They do not turn her before going to the dining room for the meal and then she is the last patient they take care I'd after the meal. She can EASILY go more the four hours before they think to turn her. Or they do not get her on her side enough and she is mostly on her back (she has a bed sore on her but and should not be on her back). So I am taking a $100 a week cut in pay to insist my mother is turned appropriately.
I am pretty sure I am going to make a few enemies before this is all over. The NA's are going to figure out that I don't care a xxxxx about their feeding schedule. If Mom could eat they would be feeding her so they can give her a few of the minutes they don't have to spend feeding her and turn her. I am so close to really loosing my temper.

Now, I have classes I have to take for work. The class meets once a week for three hours. It takes me an hour to drive to the class site. The classes start next week and will run through August. But if these lazy NA don't get their act together how can I concentrate on what I need to learn? The classes are important to me. I have prayed for the chance to take these classes for a year. They will provide me with a certificate that will allow me to keep in stride with much younger people in my field.

This is the source of my frustration.


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Settling into yet a new routine

Mom's condition has Leveled off again. She is completely dependent on staff now. I have to keep a watchful eye on her care to ensure everything is done that can be done for her comfort. She won't allow staff to do her mouth care. She clamps her mouth shut and gives them her meanest look. It's kind of comical. So I do her mouth care. She resists a little. I tell her I am going to do it and that's that.

She is generally alert for seconds at a time. She will speak in short spurts. You better be listening because she won't repeat. She still has her sense of humor. She surprises me every now and then with it.

Mom has had nothing by mouth except teaspoons of ice water or jello in therapy for almost a month. She has a dextrose IV. The doctor says she can servive for several weeks this way. But it is getting harder to keep a good IV site going. Then I have to decide if she should have an arterial (pic line) IV or if the IV should be discontinued. She could survive for a very long time with a pic line. She will not survive long without an IV. Again my decision is keep her alive or let her die. Really, being her MPOA sucks. Every decision I make is unbelievably hard. I agonize over every one. I spend hours with her trying to get a since of what she might want. But ultimately I decide. It always feels like I am sentencing her to death.

My grief is sometimes unbearable. I very seldom have the freedom to just cry. Lately I have been getting heart pain. I went to the doctor yesterday. I had an EKG done. The doctor prescribed an anti-anxiety med for me. Being there fir her and my own life just gets to be too much sometimes. I pray for her always. I pray for me too.






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Changes Again

Mom choked at supper on Tuesday. I decided I was going home that evening instead of sitting with Mom. My work day had been especially stressful and ALL I wanted was to go home and have a quiet night at home. Instead, I spent the night at Mom's bedside. Kathy, my daughter,spent the night with her on Wednesday night. All Tuesday night all the next day and night she was very close to death. Thursday she was no better or worse. Friday was the same. Yesterday she was weak but alert. Today she was alert.

I tried to talk to her today about her condition. My pastor's wife suggested I tell her that it was OK to go. But Mom would have nothing to do with that. She closed her eyes and turned her head. When she tries ti talk to me it is nonsense. Kathy brought her a boombox and I have CD that either she gave me or we gave shared at one time or another. I have been playing them for her.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I am going to cut back my hours for as long as I need to. I have had heart pain for several days. I am going to listen to my body and do what I can to lessen the stress. I will be no good to Mom if I get down now. Besides it will give me mire time to spend with Mom.

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New Reality

Mom is settling into a new routine, however fragile it might be. She is aware of her immediate surroundings, expresses discomfort, let's the girls know she hears them fine and they do not need to yell (lol) and enjoys the video tapes I have brought her. BUT she eats very little and her breath sounds are very congested at times. I have stopped feeding her because I am fearful of her aspirating. I don't even like being there when the NA's feed her. But I am there at supper time during the week.On the weekend I can time my visits to avoid meals.

Mom always knows me but there are times when she REALLY knows me. Then she will usually stare and smile. Other times she will close her eyes and ignore me. I try to stay long enough to insure that she is turned to one side or another. Then I go home.

I am trying to figure out how to include some exercise time into my routine. Now I go to work then go to the NH right after work. By the time I get home it is after 7:00 p.m. I need the exercising. My dr. insists that I need it. There is a place 1/2 way between home and work that I like to walk. One idea is to take my lunch hour and drive there and walk the trail for my lunch time. Another idea is to leave home an hour early and walk the trail before I go to work. Each has it's merit. I have to decide which I will like better and then get started.

Why am I journalling about my need for exercise on Mom's blog. Well, I am her only support. I have to take care of myself in order to take care of her. The last three weeks have been so stressful. I am tired ALL the time and the last two days I have woke up with chest pain (shhh -- I haven't said anything to my family about that). I need a time every day to relieve the stress. Mom will continue to decline. I need to think of what is best for my health and establish the habit now while things are relatively quiet.

It's Like I'm Done

Mom is back at the Waters in her old bed. I had a staff meeting yesterday to discuss her care. I also voiced my concerns about the fact that she has a bed sore and what needs to be done to take care of her now that she does. I then went to work. I expected as many of the guidelines to be followed immediately but nothing was changed. So tonight I will go back to see if they have started the new care. If they haven't tomorrow I will talk the the DON again.

Mom is off all IV's now. She has to drink and eat to stay alive. She isn't. I am shocked that I am not more upset. I'm sad of course but I am not crying like I did last week. It's like I'm done. I am grateful that others tell me they are praying for her and me but to tell you the truth I am not praying like I was last week either. It's like I'm done. I'm tired. I could sleep for a week I think. I go through my day with much effort. In the evening I sit down and DO NOTHING. It's like I'm done.

Mom Returns to the Nursing Home Today

I am very nervous about her returning. I have asked for a staff meeting to discuss my concerns. That will be tomorrow at 10:00 am. I don't even know how to write my thoughts for now. It has been such an emotional roller coaster this last week. One day she was about to die and the next she was holding her own. Yesterday she actually WOKE up. She continues to eat very little. Swollowing is the issue. She accepts food into her mouth but then won't or can't swallow. She has aspirated twice in the hospital. The aspiration gave her an infection in her lungs which went to her blood. Add blood clots in both her lungs and legs AND a pretty nasty bed sore and you have a really sick Mom.

It's a strange thing to be happy about but she is being sent back to the NH with an IV. SO she will have to be put on the skilled ward. So maybe, she will get turned when she should be. We will see. I don't want to be difficult but they have to treat her like the fragile flower she is.

My chest is heavy today and I am having a difficult time keeping on task. I NEED more rest. I might have to go to the DR. and ask him to increase my heart meds temporarily so I can handle the stress. But then, if Mom continues to improve and Aaron (our son) gets back to his post in Afganestan I won't need more meds. A mother in destress and a son in a dangerous war zone is too much to handle all at once.

I got an email from my brother. He is giving me full POA for Mom. It's a good thing. He asked and I told him what I needed for Mom's funeral arrangements. I still want all the arrangements made now.

Is It Grace or denial

I am going through my days as usual, visiting, shopping, doing chores, enjoying grandchildren. In the back of my head I am screaming --my mother is dying. How will I continue on without her? I know I will -- I have no choice. The tears are hiding just under the service , waiting to betray me.

I never know what to expect when I come to see her. Most of the time she is asleep. But every now and then she surprises me -- like today -- the NA came in to feed her. She woke up and recognized me. She ate a few bites and then went back to sleep. How am I suppose to make the choices I have to make when she looks at me and smiles. I called my sister and told her she may want to come to see Mom now.

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Mom is Slipping Away

She has blood clots in both lungs. She has aspirated at least twice. Her lungs are infected and the infection has gone to her blood. Truly, I don't think she is here. Her body just hasn't gotten the message. I will step up her arrangements.

I am crying most of the time. I knew this would be hard.


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Mom Is In The Hospital

She has embolisms in both legs and both lungs. I REALLY thought she was dying Monday night. But, she is still with me. She also has a bed sore. Nurses where great Monday night. She is in a little hospital with only 11 beds. Lots of emotions. I'm not sure which ones are valid and which ones are just me over reacating. I'll write more when I can sort everything out.

Mom was a little improved

This post is out of place. I wrote this last week Monday or Tuesday.

Last evening. But, I think I have ticked off some of the staff. I really don't care. As long as Mom continues to improve, I will continue to tick them off.

But REALLY-- it doesn't take much effort to check that she has everything on her tray. Mom didn't have her healthshake. The slip clearly said she gets one. When I asked where her shake was and the NA who "should have" been feeding her just shrugged her shoulders. I went to the kitchen and GOT her shake. Then when I asked for straws you would have thought I was asking for part of her paycheck. But Mom ate good for me. Then I showed that same NA that Mom's feet were purple, who again looked stupid. I said that Mom would have to be put to bed as Soon after supper as possible. I was told that they would put no one to bed until the dinning room was cleared. So I took Mom to the nurse and showed her Mom's feet. I asked that Mom be the first one put into bed. Then I took her to her room and propped up her feet and massaged her feet until they were a healthier color. Soon after the same aid who said Mom would have to wait came in and said the nurse told her Mom needed to be put in bed. I said OK and smiled.


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Mom goes to the Dr. Tomorrow

And she is having an ultrasound of her neck. Let's pray that they find out what is causing her neck to hurt so much. She ate all her supper and lunch today. Yay!! She still refuses to wear her teeth. She used to not want anyone to see her without them. But this seems to be a good choice. She eats so much better since they have been pureeing her food.


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Mom went to church today

They said she really enjoyed it. She won't open her eyes for me but she will answer my questions.


-Other then keeping her eyes shut she looks like she is feeling OK today.
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Not much change

Went to see Mom this afternoon. She was asleep. She woke up enough to smile at me. I rearranged her room so I could sit and hold her hand. Tried to ask the nurse how her (Mom's) day had gone. She was busy. I was there about an hour but did not talk to the nurse. I'm tired of fighting for my idea of how things should be.


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I Finally Got the Book I Have Been Waiting For

It's a book on Anticipatory Grief -- A really uplifting subject. LOL But I felt I needed a little help. There are no support groups here. My husband does NOT understand what I feel sometimes and I will NOT talk to the staff in my office. Why-- because they cannot or will not approach this on my level which is a daughter who loves her mother very much and as a woman of very strong Christian faith. So I sent for this book. In the first few pages I found two poems that really speak how I feel:

In the darkest place inside,
Something shuddered and took life.
Nothing quite so grand as
a cataclysmic roar
or a howl of anguish
or even a whimper of fear.
Just a h-m-m-m, almost electronic, louder at night.

I will myself to ignore it,
I drown it out with music,
I distract myself, try to relax,
focus on autumn's beauty.
It bides its time.
It whispers of sinister mystery,
unnamed danger,
Finally, in anger and desperation
I demand -- Make yourself known!

You are losing, your are losing her.

From "Singing Mother Home" by Donna S. Davenport



Wanting still to fix things, to make guarantees,
Or at least do these hard months for her,
I hear reality's thunder crash over my wishes.

The current is too strong,
I cannot save her,
There are rapids up ahead ---
whirlpools and undercurrents --
That will surely take her from me.

I hate it, I hate it.
I cry in the car, I kick a trashcan against the wall.
No surprise -- my tears change nothing.
This process does not like me.
It clearly does not listen.

And so, a comprimise of sorts,
A promise:
I will stay with you,
You will not be alone.
Tell me what you need and I will help.
And when you cannot tell me anymore,
When words no longer come,
When you cannot call across the chasm,
I will still be here.

From"Singing Mother Home" by Donna S. Davenport

Some Improvement Today

Believe it or not she is acting and looking a 100% better today. She is still complaining of her neck hurting. But she ate almost all her supper. She won't let us put her teeth in so the NH staff is pureeing her food.

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An Emotional Rollercoaster

Finding something that will give Mom lasting relief from her neck pain has been an emotional roller-coaster. Monday I was encouraged. She ate well for me at supper and even joked with me. Last evening she had her chin so jammed down into the neck collar she was wearing it distorted her face into a troll like face. She ate almost nothing yesterday. When I got her back to her room her teeth were on her night stand. Did they forget to put her teeth in ALL day?


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Pain relief

I went to the drug store and bought Mom a "bed Buddy". You can heat it up then wrap it around her neck to help relieve pain. It looks like it might be helping. I hate it when she is in bed because she doesn't talk to me, but she was so miserable-- I couldn't take it. I got her to drink almost a can of ensure. That's about 200 calories.

Tomorrow is Monday. Time for me to raise some Cain. I am determined to get Mom some serious pain relief. I may have to take time from work to get it done.

I am having to work hard at being aware of my emotions . I have discovered that not many people understand about anticipatory grief. So I am using old survival skills and I am picking my "safe" place to cry. This blog is a good outlet (I knew it would). I also MUST take care to allow myself to cry or the grief affects my job and my boss is not understanding at all. She expects perfection at all times. I HAVE to be able to put my sorrow, my concern for Mom safely away when I am at work. I'm really concerned about that. I'm not sure I will be able to shut the sorrow down as Mom gets worse. I have sent for a book about anticipatory grief. I hope it helps.

I want her to stay but I don't want her like she is now. She is sad, she is in pain, she is not who she was. I pray I am strong enough to let her.


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I have made a decision

I am going to take Mom to a chiropractor ASAP.


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A rocking chair for Mom

I found a rocking chair for Mom at a resale store in town. But she is in bed and not awake enough to get excited about it. I also got her a snuggly. It's blue, her favorite color. Now I am rocking in Mom's new chair while she sleeps. --sigh


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Change in meds again

Kathy and Beca have been watching over Mom for me the last couple of days. Tomorrow I will be able to go see her myself.

Mom has been allowing others to feed her. But she eats very slowly and very little. I always concentrate on the milkshake she gets with every meal. It's small and has 200 calories. If she could get one of those between meals it would help.

She complains of her neck hurting. She won't raise her head up. After much complaining on my part, she now has a neck color that will help her keep her head up a little. AND she has a pain pill ordered. They also increased dementia med back to what it was before. And PT is working more with her. As a rule the Waters is a good place for Mom, but I have learned that it is the presence if family that keeps them doing what they need to do. I will be glad when I can get back to visiting her myself again.


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What a racket

If I have my mother cremated here in Indiana and take her remains back to Minnesota myself and if we have a graveside service the funeral home in Minnesota will charge me $2200. Four what? Four folding chairs?


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Burial Arrangements

I have been in touch with the funeral home in Minnesota. I have discovered that Mom owns a burial plot there. Who would have thought that information would make me feel relieved. They have also offered to come and get her when the time comes and to help me arrange her service. I feel guilty talking to them or making any plans. But I can't stop. I NEED to have everything in order before hand. Once I have these decisions made I am hoping I can concentrate on Mom.




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One Way Doors

This morning I was thinking, praying about Mom. In the beginning I think Mom refused to do certain things because it kept her kids close. She would taunt us with getting out of her wheelchair and walking across the room when we told her she couldn't live on her own anymore because she couldn't walk. She would eat everything on her plate when I complained that she wasn't eating enough. She would get angry when she didn't get things her way.

Dementia is like a series of one way doors. A person can open the door. They can even stand inside of the door and hold the door open for awhile. But eventually, that door will shut and when it shuts it is locked never to be opened again. When the door locks shut that person looses a part of themselves. They have to move forward.

At first the doors are spaced far enough apart that the person can adjust to what they have lost. They even learn new skills to compensate for their loss. But eventually, the doors come closer and closer. Until in the end the doors open into each other and the losses come continually.

I don't know if Mom made decisions that made her "get" dementia. I kind of think that dementia just happens. But, I do know that there were times that she made choices that there was no returning from. I KNOW that at times she has regretted her choices. I know I do.

I have said before, I feel cheated. We talked about this time in her life. She and I made plans. I would ask if she wanted to come and she would say no -- wait. But she waited too long. We won't be doing any of the things we talked about.

Now it is my job to see that she is cared for until she dies, to bury her, to miss her. The thing is, I miss her now. In essense she has died already. Dementia does not play fair.

Went to see Mom after work today

I didn't like what I saw. She was sitting at her place with her supper plate untouched. I immediately sat down and started feeding her. She didn't eat much, but what she ate I fed her. Her head was tucked down to her chest. Every few minutes she complained that her neck hurt. She did NOT have a pain reliever ordered . Why would ANYONE in a medical facility not have an order for at least tylanol?Sometime I hate leaving her there. I left fighting to keep from crying. By the time I got home I was crying. It's after visits like tonight that I wonder if I'll be able to take her home for a day ever again. What is her prison? -- the nursing home or her body. She looked so sad tonight.


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An unexpected call at work

The NH called today to say that Mom acted like she was having chest pain and would I want her to see a cardiologist? Duh-- Why do they ask such obvious questions? Don't they know how heart stopping a call from them is? I hope it's warm enough to bring her home for a few hours Friday.


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Awake Finally

The last two times I have visited, I came in the afternoon and she was in bed and WOULD not wake up. So today I came in the morning.



She is eating a chocolate chip cookie.


It's hard to get her to smile.


I'm teasing her. I love this picture.
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Sad Visit

I went to see Mom on Sunday as I have been doing since the weather has been too cold to take her out. She was asleep again. I could not wake her. So I sat with her while she slept. She didn't move a muscle. I played a game on my iPhone and dozed a little myself. Then when it was time for her to go to supper I helped the aid get her out of bed and into her chair, which was not an easy job. She perked up when she saw a little child in the hallway. For the most part though she was pretty non-responsive. I went away very sad.

Today, I popped in the NH to talk to the Financial Officer about payment for Mom's bill. My brother has not been paying her bills and they were trying to get her SS check sent directly to them. They have made progress with that. Mom's check is no longer going to my brother (I bet he's really surpriced about that) but the NH is not getting it yet. They have filed for it however. In the meantime I have the money I need to file for gaurdianship. That will be a big accomplishment. I have been told to make an appointment with the lawyer to discuss what I do next. I still want to get her personal property back especially her pictures.

But, Mom is not eating again. And she is sleeping more and more. She has lost all interest in everything. I go to see her because I miss her but I go away still missing her. I STILL do not want her to starve herself. The NH staff look at me like that is a wrong thing.

I am not sleeping. I wake up in the early morning and I think about Mom and what is happening. I try to plan what I will do when the time comes but I just can't wrap my mind around it. The Financial Officer said today that there will be people available to help me when the time comes. It helps but it makes me cry too. I don't want to plan a funeral or how to pay for one. I want to plan quiet afternoons sitting in the backyard watching the humming birds. Man I feel cheated.

Valentines Day

Went to see Mom tonight after work. I took her some chocolates. I can always count on her liking chocolates. Each time I see her, I see how the disease is advancing. She prefers to be in bed asleep. I don't want her to be in bed all the time because I know there will be a time when that will happen. We don't talk. I just sit with her. Tonight she got into her bed and went to sleep. I just sat there with her. I think she knows I'm there. She seems to take comfort in my being there. I stayed until the aid came in to get her ready for bed. Mom asked if I was coming back. I said yes. That was all she wanted.

Becca is on tonight. Becca is our daughter-in-law. She is especially patient with Mom. The nurses let her give Mom her evening meds when she is on. Mom likes her. It's funny they have their connection. They did not meet until Mom was admitted to the Waters. But Mom senses that Becca is special and responds to to her. Becca would have loved Mom before she got dementia. It's a pleasant relief that she loves her now.

As far as I know, Mom's bills are still not being paid. I am so grateful that the NH has assured me they will not put Mom out for nonpayment and that it will not affect her care. But it does. She needs some extras, a haircut, perm, clothes, a rocker. She gets none of these because she has not money of her own. BUT, I am going to get her hair cut and I am going to ask Kathy (my daughter) to perm her hair.

I also need to find out if Mom still owns her burrial plot. If she does, then I need to find out the easiest and cost effective way to get her back to Minnesota when the time comes. I hate having to think about these things but I know better then to leave them till later. I doubt if my sister knows and I bet if my brother could he has sold the plot. If that is the case, do I bury her here (not what she would want) or how do I take her back and where do I bury her and the most aweful question of all how much will it cost? That and I WANT her pictures (my brother has them buried in a storage shed somewhere).

I use my old defense mechanism of compartmentizing to handle these thoughts. I am SO glad I have learned to lock them away because I would be a real basket case if I couldn't. I have to admit though that I am sad, beyond MAD, worried, confused. Sometimes I want to KILL-not shoot but bare handed beat to a pulp KILL. All these emotions from a good christian woman. I can't describe the conflict that lies just under the surface. When it really gets supper overwelming, I go sit with Mom. Just watching her calms me. I let my love for her wash over her and back to me. It makes me thank God for every lucid moment we have together. I am so thankful that she is here with me. All the other crap is worth whatever time she and I have.


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Who is Getting Old? Her or Me?

Part of the strangeness of taking care of Mom is I have to remind myself that she is the old one. But, I am adjusting to her oldness AND my getting oldness. LOL Take my word for it. It is a very strange feeling.

This last weekend I spoke to Mom's Dr. I just happened to catch him at the nursing home. We spoke in the hall in front of the nurses desk just inside the front door. One of the NA's rolled a laundry cart past us and I about came unglued. I had just gotten hearing aids the day before and EVERYTHING is too loud for me. I had to laugh at the comedy of it. Getting hearing aids is an "old persons" thing. And there I was talking to a Dr. about my mother getting old. Well, maybe you had to be there.

Mom keeps me off balance too. One day she behaves and understands like a very young child and then bamm she is an adult again. It happens so fast. She is like a cognative quick change artist. Most of the time I try to treat her the very way I would want to be treated but then there are times when that just doesn't work. Dementia is not a fair player. It always throws you a curve.

So Far So Good

The resperidal seems to be doing its job. I called this morning and Mom took her meds. No uncontroled behavior for the last couple of days and she is still scarfing down the peanut butter cups. I am encouraged. She spent a nice day with me on Saturday. Again we got interested in an old movie. She ate her PB cups and I fixed her a shake using ensure and ice cream.

I talked to her Dr. Saturday morning. He was very compassionete about my turmoil over her behavior and her loss of appetite. When we have her home next I am going to order pizza. She LOVES pizza.

Change of meds

Yesterday started out better. Mom ate her breakfast and took her meds for me. She seemed angry though. The nurses reported that she was hallucinating. The psychiatrist saw her and suggested resperidol. Her dr. Agreed. Hopefully she will calm down.

When I was with her yesterday, she was being mean and laughing. I told her I didn't like it when she was like that. She calmed down a little. It made me wonder how much control does she have?

Today I will bring her home for a few hours. Maybe that will help. But I am concerned about her acting wild while she is home.


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I can't sleep

It's almost 3:00 am. I woke up thinking about Mom and I can't get back to sleep. I am so frustrated. I feel so alone, powerless, angry. A simple thing such as not eating is taking her away and I can't stop it. The longer she goes without her airoceft the more delusional she gets and the more wild her behavior becomes. Oh God!! Please there has to be a way.


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She Did Not Take Her Meds Again Today

They destroied the meds and did not call me. Well, I'm not backing down. The time the meds are given HAS to be changed. AND they need to try giving it to her in a quiet place (like her room). But she NEEDS that med.

No News is NOT Good News!!

Mom continues to refuse to take her meds. I'm not sure what to do right now. The nursing staff is not listening to me. I have asked them to call me when she refuses to take her meds for them and to save the meds so I can try to give them to her. BUT they are not doing that. Mom and I spent Sunday evening in the ER because they were destroying her meds after she refused them. Today I called to check and sure enough she refused to take her meds and they destroyed it. I am really frustrated.

I really want to take care of her myself but I have to work. That is the ONLY reason she is in the nursing home. She does OK in a quiet environment. I wish there was a way I could stay at home with her.

A Quiet Day at Home

It seems to be what she enjoys. I go about my day as usual (except for leaving the house). I clean, do laundry, talk on the phone. She sometimes will ask me what I am doing but mostly sits and watches. If she is content I don't mind. I wish she was here more. By that I mean I wish she would talk to me. But, I am coming to terms with that. My main purpose for these days with her at home is that she is comfortable and I can find SOMETHING that she enjoys. Today we watched a cooking show (I NEVER watch cooking shows) and she perked up when they talked about rootbeer floats. She used to love rootbeer floats. I told her that the next time she is here we would have one together. Her face glowed. Gotta plan on having a rootbeer float real soon.

My sister mailed us some of Mom's things. I showed them to her one by one. The things she remembered she wanted to hold in her lap. The things she didn't remember she just gave back to me. She doesn't have a lot of places at the nursing home for personal items. So I am leaving the things she remembers out near "her" chair in my livingroom. She has held a little straw hat all afternoon. She looks at it now and then and then lovingly lays it in her lap. Just another reason for me to be "killing" mad at my brother for not sending her photos. It will take me a VERY LONG time to be able to forgive him for that. Blast him!

Mom Has A UTI

They have started her on an antibiotic. I will have to check with the morning staff to be sure she takes her meds. They also need to encourage her to drink more. That is easier said then done. She didn't drink much yesterday when she was with me. I won't be taking her out until she feels better. I will visit her at The Waters on Sunday