One Way Doors

This morning I was thinking, praying about Mom. In the beginning I think Mom refused to do certain things because it kept her kids close. She would taunt us with getting out of her wheelchair and walking across the room when we told her she couldn't live on her own anymore because she couldn't walk. She would eat everything on her plate when I complained that she wasn't eating enough. She would get angry when she didn't get things her way.

Dementia is like a series of one way doors. A person can open the door. They can even stand inside of the door and hold the door open for awhile. But eventually, that door will shut and when it shuts it is locked never to be opened again. When the door locks shut that person looses a part of themselves. They have to move forward.

At first the doors are spaced far enough apart that the person can adjust to what they have lost. They even learn new skills to compensate for their loss. But eventually, the doors come closer and closer. Until in the end the doors open into each other and the losses come continually.

I don't know if Mom made decisions that made her "get" dementia. I kind of think that dementia just happens. But, I do know that there were times that she made choices that there was no returning from. I KNOW that at times she has regretted her choices. I know I do.

I have said before, I feel cheated. We talked about this time in her life. She and I made plans. I would ask if she wanted to come and she would say no -- wait. But she waited too long. We won't be doing any of the things we talked about.

Now it is my job to see that she is cared for until she dies, to bury her, to miss her. The thing is, I miss her now. In essense she has died already. Dementia does not play fair.