I am so not with it today. But I will fight to do what I have to. After tomorrow I will have completed my first FULL work week since Mom died. I am so sad that I haven't been more sensitve to others pain after a loss of a loved one. Experiencing this for myself really opens my eyes to the emotional pain that surrounds a death. I sure hope in the future I will be more attentive.
I REALLY hate how everything has gone back to normal for EVERYONE except me. I hate the fact that I have NO control over how I feel from day to day. I cannot set my will to be strong or even give up and be a total whimp. Greif has a life of it's own. It carries me allow with or against my will. It is a craziness that is unpredictable. All my good intentions, self preserving defense mechinisms are usless. I am a small rubber ball being bounced about by big merciless waves . None of the rules apply now.
Work is my most merciless environement. I honestly do not know what to expect. The music helps the most. I play it almost continueously. At home I wonder from room to room. I'll be glad when the truck is fixed. The walks in the morning helped steady my emotions before work.
a journal about keeping the memories of my mother who suffers with Lewy Body Dementia
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