Settling into yet a new routine

Mom's condition has Leveled off again. She is completely dependent on staff now. I have to keep a watchful eye on her care to ensure everything is done that can be done for her comfort. She won't allow staff to do her mouth care. She clamps her mouth shut and gives them her meanest look. It's kind of comical. So I do her mouth care. She resists a little. I tell her I am going to do it and that's that.

She is generally alert for seconds at a time. She will speak in short spurts. You better be listening because she won't repeat. She still has her sense of humor. She surprises me every now and then with it.

Mom has had nothing by mouth except teaspoons of ice water or jello in therapy for almost a month. She has a dextrose IV. The doctor says she can servive for several weeks this way. But it is getting harder to keep a good IV site going. Then I have to decide if she should have an arterial (pic line) IV or if the IV should be discontinued. She could survive for a very long time with a pic line. She will not survive long without an IV. Again my decision is keep her alive or let her die. Really, being her MPOA sucks. Every decision I make is unbelievably hard. I agonize over every one. I spend hours with her trying to get a since of what she might want. But ultimately I decide. It always feels like I am sentencing her to death.

My grief is sometimes unbearable. I very seldom have the freedom to just cry. Lately I have been getting heart pain. I went to the doctor yesterday. I had an EKG done. The doctor prescribed an anti-anxiety med for me. Being there fir her and my own life just gets to be too much sometimes. I pray for her always. I pray for me too.






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