Pictures and Drawings

Weekend in Minnesota

Yesterday, I scattered Mom's ashes on her burial plot. My sister and brothers chose not to be there. It was a bittersweet end to a life well lived. The cemetary was just how I remembered it only older. It is a nice place. And it was what she wanted.

Now it is time to move on.  I will always remember her. She gave me so much. Now it is time to make sure I pass on the same to my children and grandchildren.

Mom's Last Trip

Later this afternoon we pick up the rental car we will be driving this weekend to Minnesota. A trip to WalMart for medications (for me) and some necessities, dinner out (birthday dinner for Myron), then an early start in the morning is the plan. Our trip will be 10 1/2 hours long. We have a nice hotel room reserved.

I sent invitations to my brothers and sister. My sister called. She will not come to the cemetery. I had no idea there was so much bitterness connected with my Stepfather's memory. I am sad. I just cant' understand why they can't put their own feelings aside for 20 minutes. Besides, It's not our stepfather's burial. He has been gone for 48 years. What could he have done that couldn't be forgiven by now. Mom and Dad were only married for 13 months before he died. He didn't have enough time with us to do much of anything that terrible. AND she LOVED him.This is the last loving thing we can do for Mom and I will be saying goodbye alone. Well, I can't make them come to honor her. So the weekend is about how I want to say goodbye.

There is a nice forest preserve near our hotel. I am taking my paints and after I go to the cemetery I want to spend sometime painting out in the woods. I also want to make a drawing at the cemetery. So the weekend will be quiet, solitary, and creative. I am hoping that Myron won't be too bored.

Mixed Feelings Come With Plans of Mom's Last Trip Home

I really thought I would be relieved when we finally started making plans to take Mom back to Minnesota. But, I am fighting with sadness, anger, anxioty. I have started using the delay tactics that got me through those first weeks. When I feel like I want to cry, I tell myself "not now, later". Later doesn't come. I'm tired again. I drag through my routine. I try to draw and my mind wanders. I can't get that sence of escape that I first enjoyed when I started drawing.

I started reading a book. It is light reading. It doesn't take much of a commitment. That seems to be my distraction for now. We talk about our plans for next weekend. Our trip is right in the middle of Myron's birtday and our anniversary. Happy events to celebrate.

Trip to Minnesota

I just made hotel reservations for three days in Minnesota. We are finally taking Mom home. I have such mixed feelings. I have saved and saved to have what we need to go and now that I am actually making solid plans I am so sad. It is like taking this step has opened all the grieving that I have pushed aside all these months. Twice I have had to use my savings for living expenses. Each time I have told myself that I had to take care of the living first. Now, we are GOING before anything else can happen.

I got reservations at a nice hotel in Cambridge. They have a bereavement package. Now I have to rent a car. Our car will not make that kind of trip. Then it is just timing.

A Pencil Portrait of Mom

Here is a corrected drawing of my mother. This one I think is finished.

A Drawing of Mom

I am taking a drawing class. This was a class project. I'm not sure I'm finished yet.

It's Almost One Year Already

Sonehow the days have run together and a year has gone by. It feels so very impossible.I still miss her terribly. The closer I get to that one year date the harder it is for me to keep my composure. I have decided that I am going to take her Death Day to remember her in a special way. I am taking that day off and I am going to go to the park. I am going to draw and walk the trails. I might go shopping That evening Myron and I am going to go out for a nice dinner. I just don't want the day to be work as usual. That day is an important day to me. I am going to honor her passing as best I can.

I bought her a lilly last year for easter. I brought it home and planted it on the south side of our house. Her lilly didn't come up this year. So maybe I will buy another one to take home and plant. This has been a nice year for planting flowers. The weather is not real hot and we are getting lots of rain even though the water tables are way down from the dry winter. Mom especially loved lillies. She once planted a lilly at her last house. She wouldn't let me go home without taking a picture of it for her. So, yes, I will buy a lilly to plant for her.

I have been working on a pencil portrait of her. I am going to mat it and frame it when I am done. She would be thrilled that I am drawing again. When we were young, Mom bought my sister and brother bicycles one summer. She bought me an oil painting set. She was very proud of my artwork. She was disappointed when I quite drawing after my kids were born. I am taking a drawing class. The woman who teaches it is young and very talented. I will take my drawing to her tonight to get her to tell me what I need to do on it still. It looks very much like Mom. But I want it to be the best I can make it.

Missing Her

As much as I try to rationalize it is still hard at times knowing that my mother is gone. We are remodeling our livingroom. I moved the box that holds Mom's ashes and it just hit me like a run away train that she was gone. We talk about taking her home and it seems so unreal. I look at her picture and I think I need to call her. Then I am sad because I know I can't. My grief counselor says I need closure. I'm not convienced that taking her ashes back to Minnesota will really do that. I think the feeling that a piece is missing will always be there.

I am painting and learning to draw. My assignment for next week is to decide on a picture I want to draw. I think I will draw a picture of Mom happy and full of life. I think studying her face is what I want to do for awhile.

Past Thanksgivings

When I was a little girl Thanksgiving started at school. We read stories about the pilgrims and the indians. We sang songs about gratitude and love. We made funny black hats and wore aprons. Pumpkin pie was enjoyed several times just because.

Mom was a single mom when being a single mom wasn't talked about. She worked HARD. We always managed to have a turkey. Her sacrifices during the summer paid off in a feast that would be remembered all year long.  She made two kinds of dressing for the turkey. One with oysters and one without. She eventually told me the story about how she came to not like oysters. I laughed when she told me about trying to eat an oyster right out of the can and almost throwing up as it slide down her throat.

We as kids NEVER  felt deprived. We didn't know we were poor until someone else told us. The only thing we missed was a father.We lived above a skidrow bar. We learned early how to dodge drunks. Somehow she preserved our inocense. We were good kids and it was she who made sure we stayed that way. She loved us with all her heart, soul and strength.  She made the holidays magical starting with Thanksgiving. It's no wonder that I miss her so much.

The holidays are proving hard.

I sometimes have problems with Thanksgiving anyway. This is the time of year that I miss the kids (the two tht we don't have contact with). But this year it is harder because I am missing Mom too. I have been having nightmares. Dreams I haven't  had to deal with for a very long time. Dreams where I am taking care of things and the kids are there making it hard. The difference is Mom is there too. She is alive and strong. And when I normally wake up to end the awefulness of it now I am fighting to stay asleep because I am enjoying having her with me. It's craziness I know. I called my grief counselor and asked him for a meet up. I think it will help. At least it will give me permission to cry. It seems so much of the time I am sucking it in and telling myself "Not now." But there doesn't seem to be a time to cry. My husband and others are pleased with the way I am "handling" things. Little do they know that I'm not handling anything right now. I HATE the fact that I haven't buried Mom properly yet. I also hate the way I have to be for everyone else. It doesn't matter that there are times I am madder then hell. I soooo want to beat something up. It makes me mad that I  have to go on like everything is ok now. It's not ok and I want someone else other then me to know that. I hate that I am giving in and being socially acceptable. I hate that I have stopped taking the anti-depressants because my husband wanted me to. I hate the fact that there are days that I actually enjoy the day and everything is the way it should be and then there are days like today whenI am quietly miserible.

I have applied for a second job. When I get it, I will be able to save for the trip to Minnesota. I am praying that I can do that next spring. I will take Mom back and bury her where she wanted (not where it is convient for my sister or brothers) . I will contact my brother to see if I can get her pictures. IF he still has them. I can't see a commercial for Storage Wars without getting really upset. I am so scared that he has lost that storage and that is why he won't send me the pictures.

Sunday was special

 Sunday was special. We went to church then went out for dinner. We went to the Festival of Trees and then we went to a special Memorial service for all the people who passed away and were served by Sunset Funeral Services. It was special to me because my mother died on May 15th this year but I haven't been able to bury her yet. My siblings were not interested in a service for her. I REALLY needed the service. I am praying that I will be able to take her home for a proper burial next spring. But, in the meantime the service this weekend was nice. Of courase I cried and was sad for the rest of the day. But sad isn't bad.

Thanks to God and Financial Peace University

Everything is beginning to look a lot better. Unexpected funds and refreshing what I already learned from FPU we are almost out of the mess that happened after Mom died. Looking back, I can see that we were very definitely under attack. I do not like to use those terms but there is no other explanation.

When Mom started to decline, I cut my working hours by 12 hours a week so I could spend more time with her. It put a strain on our budget that slowly festered into a really big problem. My car died two weeks before Mom died. I used our emergency fund to buy a different car. I needed that money for Mom's burial expenses. Then Myron's truck broke down a few days after Mom died. Cremation expenses, decreased work hours, car repairs, truck repairs and grief all at once. YUCK!!

But, counseling and good steady friends have seen us through and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I made myself sit down and redo our budget.It is amazing how much we waste when we do not keep track. I got an unexpected bonus and we got Myron's truck back today. No more asking for rides or long waits to be picked up. And I just made payment arrangements with our mortgage company. I would not have been able to talk to them the way I did without the knowledge from FPU. I took control of the conversation and I told them what I could afford to pay and when. God did the rest by giving me favor. The bank officer even told me how to tell them where to apply my extra payments so I would get the most credit for it. By the end of the month they will be caught up. They were going to start foreclosure on Aug 4. With all back payments caught up I can re-establish our insurances, the last step tore-establishing our financial responsibility.

It took some serious steps. I downgraded my iPhone. We will still cut the cord to our satellite tv, no eating out for a very LONG time and NO CRAFT SUPPLY BUYING. Even when I can spend on crafts again it will be very controlled and thought out. I have pledged to use what I have. Mom would be proud.

With the finances coming under control, I will be able to concentrate on Mom's memorial service. I hate that I haven't officially buried her yet. But, now I am relaxing and I think we can come together and honor her the way she deserves. The service is not for her as much as it is for us. I can now imagine her happy and strong. It's a good picture.

Trip to Missouri

We went to Missouri to see Aaron and his family. Aaron is home from Afghanastan for two week leave. We went down on Friday and came back on Sunday. It was a too short visit but it was nice. We crowded as much as we could into two days. The kids are precious. Aaron look good. He doesn't talk a lot about his assignment and we respect his reasons. So in spite of the elephant in the room we had a good time.

Towards the end of the visit I started to get anxious. All the people and the noise really started to get to me. I'm not sure if it was my emotional state or the hearing aids. All I know is Saturday night I couldn't get out of there fast enough and Sunday night I was SOOOOOO glad when we dropped my daughter and grand children off at their home. The quiet was blissfully sad because as much as I NEEDED the quiet I also wanted to have the time with my daughter, grand children, and son. I sooooo hate feeling so fragile.

I know I am dealing with my grief in a healthy way. I will continue to see the grief counselor as often as he is willing to come. We are slowly recovering from the financial disaster that I created. Myron has been so patient. He knows I feel bad enough, so he does not add to it. Actually, nothing has really changed, I'm just not stressing as much over it. We are still behind on payments. Haven't gotten any overdrafts this week but that doesn't mean we won't. I have taken the attitude that we will pay and pay and pay until the money is gone then we won't won't won't.

Then yesterday, I got a letter from my father who I have not heard from or seen since I was 2 1/2. They want me to write and to call. Close friends and Myron are telling me to be cautious. I'm not sure how I feel or what I want. All I know is I am vulnerable right now and I do not trust my judgement.
This is one of those times I wish Mom was here for me to talk to. Although I don't think I would have this decision to make if she were alive. So I look at her picture and I wonder what would she tell me to do.

Fatigue Mystery

I'm back to thinking my tiredness is the meds. Yesterday and today I have not been tired. I have been able to work under the bright lights just fine and I feel pretty good. The Dr. and counselor said it would take me two weeks to adjust the meds. So maybe what is happening is part of that. All I know is I felt really aweful over the weekend and Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday and today are much better.

I have all kinds of people calling to check on me all of a sudden. I have more appointments then I know what to do with. LOL I will be well counseled by tomorrow night. Really, I don't mind having dinner with the Pastor's wife. But  I could do without the visit from the SW from the funeral home. But she said she would help me find out how to get Mom's name on her family stone in Minnesota. So I agreed to meet with her tomorrow. The grief counselor from hospice comes once a week. I really needed to talk to him at first. But I can see me having him come less often in the near future.

My sister is suppose to call tonight.

I think I Might Have Figured Out Why I Am So Tired

My old office had one small window and I got horrible headaches from the ceiling lights. I literally took the fluorescent bulbs out of my office and replaced them with  lamps. Now, I am not getting headaches, but I am SO tired before noon that I fight to stay awake by 5:30pm (time to go home). My new office is twice big as the old one and my window is directly behind me when I sit at my computer. Yesterday, I was so tired when I went home all I wanted was to lie down. I have been thinking it is the anti-depressant medication that was making me so tired. But last night I didn't lay down but started to fix supper. By the time I had supper ready, I felt better. I don't have many overhead lights at home. So today I am trying out leaving the overhead lights off in my office. I hope it works. It would be an easy fix.

I have been seeing a grief counselor for a few weeks and I have mentioned the meds. I feel better, and I am able to function at work OK. Our finances are horrible. I can get really down when I think about that. But, we have been in just as bad shape financially and survived. We will survive this too. It just takes time.

In the meantime, I am explaining to everyone that during the last few weeks of Mom's illness and after her death, I was not thinking real clear and I made to really bad choices. My checking accounts are a mess. So we are going to a cash only system (which we should have been on all along). When the money is gone we stop paying. We will catch up eventually.

I played around with the idea of selling my flute. But, to be able to make that kind of sacrifice I would have to get what the flute is worth and I don't think I could. So I have pretty much given that idea up. Besides, I want to play it at Mom's memorial service in October.

One thing that probably won't happen is, I won't be taking her ashes to Minnesota in September unless our finances improve dramatically. That is possible but it doesn't look good. I'm OK with that. We will go when it doesn't hurt us financially. Mom will be OK with that.

It's nice not feeling so torn apart. I miss Mom a lot of course. But, I am starting to  look forward. I know Mom expects me to be able to carry on. She raised me to be strong. That is what I will be.

I Hate Banks

I deposited two checks refunded to me from the funeral home yesterday. The bank called me just now -- THEY made a mistake and didn't debit our account in April and are taking the money NOW. Everything that the funeral home refunded is gone. I am back to not having gas for the car or the funds to pay a bill that is due tomorrow. UGH!!  What do you do when what God provides is taken away? I am SO dissapointed.

I've had a couple of hours to think and to pray and I feel much better. This little bump in the road has just made me more determined to spend less so we can save more and be better prepared the next time "the sky" decides to "fall". I refuse to be a victim to ANYTHING. It might takes us a little while but we are not going to be here forever.

Well, Carl, God has Provided

I received a refund from the funeral home yesterday. It's enough to pay the biggest of our remaining bills. Now we can put gas in the car to finish out our week.

 I think I should be excited about this, but I'm not. I'm not sure if my lack of emotion is the greif or the medicine I am on for the grief. I'm less sad, but I am less everything else too. But I've only been taking it since Friday and the Dr told me it would take two weeks for me to feel much different. I am not convinced that a drug can help this kind of sadness. But I am willing to try. I trust the Dr and the grief conselor. I know one thing for sure the other stuff was interfering with my ability to work. If this interferes I will quit it.




- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Finances are an unnecessary part of my greiving

Still no help from my siblings. I used ALL our extra and some of our bill money to pay for Mom's cremation. So now we are scrambling to make everything good. The more I struggle to pay our bills the angrier I get. How easy it is for them to tell me, "God will supply" --"I'll try." and do nothing.

I reworked our budget this afternoon. With the extra expenses AND cut hours we are SO not making it. How fast we recover will depend on how much we can do without and how many work hours Myron gets and of course holidays will hurt too. Neither of us get paid holidays.

Today I downgraded our phone service and we will "cut the cord" from our tv service. All total it will come to $150 a month savings.

It's not the finances or the changes that I am angry about. It's all those years they had her close and she was herself. When she was weak and feeble they let me have her and now I will do this one last thing alone.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Too Tired

I am weening myself off the medication I started taking a couple weeks before Mom died. I was having heart pain and the Dr thought it was a result from dealing with Mom's illness. Well, now I am so tired I can hardly move, although today is the second day I have cut my doses. I feel more alert but I am still so tired. At least after a stress test last week I know it isn't my heart. Dr. wants me to have blood work done. He thinks I might have a low thyroid. It makes sence. but getting to the lab to have my blood drawn is going to be a trick. I might have to take time from work to do it.