Trip to Missouri

We went to Missouri to see Aaron and his family. Aaron is home from Afghanastan for two week leave. We went down on Friday and came back on Sunday. It was a too short visit but it was nice. We crowded as much as we could into two days. The kids are precious. Aaron look good. He doesn't talk a lot about his assignment and we respect his reasons. So in spite of the elephant in the room we had a good time.

Towards the end of the visit I started to get anxious. All the people and the noise really started to get to me. I'm not sure if it was my emotional state or the hearing aids. All I know is Saturday night I couldn't get out of there fast enough and Sunday night I was SOOOOOO glad when we dropped my daughter and grand children off at their home. The quiet was blissfully sad because as much as I NEEDED the quiet I also wanted to have the time with my daughter, grand children, and son. I sooooo hate feeling so fragile.

I know I am dealing with my grief in a healthy way. I will continue to see the grief counselor as often as he is willing to come. We are slowly recovering from the financial disaster that I created. Myron has been so patient. He knows I feel bad enough, so he does not add to it. Actually, nothing has really changed, I'm just not stressing as much over it. We are still behind on payments. Haven't gotten any overdrafts this week but that doesn't mean we won't. I have taken the attitude that we will pay and pay and pay until the money is gone then we won't won't won't.

Then yesterday, I got a letter from my father who I have not heard from or seen since I was 2 1/2. They want me to write and to call. Close friends and Myron are telling me to be cautious. I'm not sure how I feel or what I want. All I know is I am vulnerable right now and I do not trust my judgement.
This is one of those times I wish Mom was here for me to talk to. Although I don't think I would have this decision to make if she were alive. So I look at her picture and I wonder what would she tell me to do.

Fatigue Mystery

I'm back to thinking my tiredness is the meds. Yesterday and today I have not been tired. I have been able to work under the bright lights just fine and I feel pretty good. The Dr. and counselor said it would take me two weeks to adjust the meds. So maybe what is happening is part of that. All I know is I felt really aweful over the weekend and Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday and today are much better.

I have all kinds of people calling to check on me all of a sudden. I have more appointments then I know what to do with. LOL I will be well counseled by tomorrow night. Really, I don't mind having dinner with the Pastor's wife. But  I could do without the visit from the SW from the funeral home. But she said she would help me find out how to get Mom's name on her family stone in Minnesota. So I agreed to meet with her tomorrow. The grief counselor from hospice comes once a week. I really needed to talk to him at first. But I can see me having him come less often in the near future.

My sister is suppose to call tonight.

I think I Might Have Figured Out Why I Am So Tired

My old office had one small window and I got horrible headaches from the ceiling lights. I literally took the fluorescent bulbs out of my office and replaced them with  lamps. Now, I am not getting headaches, but I am SO tired before noon that I fight to stay awake by 5:30pm (time to go home). My new office is twice big as the old one and my window is directly behind me when I sit at my computer. Yesterday, I was so tired when I went home all I wanted was to lie down. I have been thinking it is the anti-depressant medication that was making me so tired. But last night I didn't lay down but started to fix supper. By the time I had supper ready, I felt better. I don't have many overhead lights at home. So today I am trying out leaving the overhead lights off in my office. I hope it works. It would be an easy fix.

I have been seeing a grief counselor for a few weeks and I have mentioned the meds. I feel better, and I am able to function at work OK. Our finances are horrible. I can get really down when I think about that. But, we have been in just as bad shape financially and survived. We will survive this too. It just takes time.

In the meantime, I am explaining to everyone that during the last few weeks of Mom's illness and after her death, I was not thinking real clear and I made to really bad choices. My checking accounts are a mess. So we are going to a cash only system (which we should have been on all along). When the money is gone we stop paying. We will catch up eventually.

I played around with the idea of selling my flute. But, to be able to make that kind of sacrifice I would have to get what the flute is worth and I don't think I could. So I have pretty much given that idea up. Besides, I want to play it at Mom's memorial service in October.

One thing that probably won't happen is, I won't be taking her ashes to Minnesota in September unless our finances improve dramatically. That is possible but it doesn't look good. I'm OK with that. We will go when it doesn't hurt us financially. Mom will be OK with that.

It's nice not feeling so torn apart. I miss Mom a lot of course. But, I am starting to  look forward. I know Mom expects me to be able to carry on. She raised me to be strong. That is what I will be.

I Hate Banks

I deposited two checks refunded to me from the funeral home yesterday. The bank called me just now -- THEY made a mistake and didn't debit our account in April and are taking the money NOW. Everything that the funeral home refunded is gone. I am back to not having gas for the car or the funds to pay a bill that is due tomorrow. UGH!!  What do you do when what God provides is taken away? I am SO dissapointed.

I've had a couple of hours to think and to pray and I feel much better. This little bump in the road has just made me more determined to spend less so we can save more and be better prepared the next time "the sky" decides to "fall". I refuse to be a victim to ANYTHING. It might takes us a little while but we are not going to be here forever.

Well, Carl, God has Provided

I received a refund from the funeral home yesterday. It's enough to pay the biggest of our remaining bills. Now we can put gas in the car to finish out our week.

 I think I should be excited about this, but I'm not. I'm not sure if my lack of emotion is the greif or the medicine I am on for the grief. I'm less sad, but I am less everything else too. But I've only been taking it since Friday and the Dr told me it would take two weeks for me to feel much different. I am not convinced that a drug can help this kind of sadness. But I am willing to try. I trust the Dr and the grief conselor. I know one thing for sure the other stuff was interfering with my ability to work. If this interferes I will quit it.




- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Finances are an unnecessary part of my greiving

Still no help from my siblings. I used ALL our extra and some of our bill money to pay for Mom's cremation. So now we are scrambling to make everything good. The more I struggle to pay our bills the angrier I get. How easy it is for them to tell me, "God will supply" --"I'll try." and do nothing.

I reworked our budget this afternoon. With the extra expenses AND cut hours we are SO not making it. How fast we recover will depend on how much we can do without and how many work hours Myron gets and of course holidays will hurt too. Neither of us get paid holidays.

Today I downgraded our phone service and we will "cut the cord" from our tv service. All total it will come to $150 a month savings.

It's not the finances or the changes that I am angry about. It's all those years they had her close and she was herself. When she was weak and feeble they let me have her and now I will do this one last thing alone.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Too Tired

I am weening myself off the medication I started taking a couple weeks before Mom died. I was having heart pain and the Dr thought it was a result from dealing with Mom's illness. Well, now I am so tired I can hardly move, although today is the second day I have cut my doses. I feel more alert but I am still so tired. At least after a stress test last week I know it isn't my heart. Dr. wants me to have blood work done. He thinks I might have a low thyroid. It makes sence. but getting to the lab to have my blood drawn is going to be a trick. I might have to take time from work to do it.

Grief is an Individual process

I am so not with it today. But I will fight to do what I have to. After tomorrow I will have completed my first FULL work week since Mom died. I am so sad that I haven't been more sensitve to others pain after a loss of a loved one. Experiencing this for myself really opens my eyes to the emotional pain that surrounds a death. I sure hope in the future I will be more attentive.

I REALLY hate how everything has gone back to normal for EVERYONE except me. I hate the fact that I have NO control over how I feel from day to day. I cannot set my will to be strong or even give up and be a total whimp. Greif has a life of it's own. It carries me allow with or against my will. It is a craziness that is unpredictable. All my good intentions, self preserving defense mechinisms are usless. I am a small rubber ball being bounced about by big merciless waves . None of the rules apply now.

Work is my most merciless environement.  I honestly do not know what to expect. The music helps the most. I play it almost continueously. At home I wonder from room to room. I'll be glad when the truck is fixed. The walks in the morning helped steady my emotions before work.

It's Driving Me Crazy

Everyday I check my text and email. I have not heard from my brother since I called the day Mom died. I told him I needed money to bury her. He said ,"God will supply." I've heard from my sister once since I called. She at least asked for our address. So I guess instead of checking for text I ought to be checking regular mail. Must be part of the aloneness I am feeling.

I talk to Mom. Yesterday the more I talked to her the angrier I got. But, somehow I felt better. Just allowing myself to form the thoughts seemed to help. I feel really CRAZY getting mad at a dead woman.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

How Do I Get Closure?

And what does that mean?

I had my first session with a grief counselor yesterday. I did a lot of crying and talking. Today I'm doing a lot of thinking. Most of what he said I agree with.

Because we have not had a memorial service yet I don't feel like I can say goodbye. But on the other hand I have time now to decide how I want to say goodbye and do it right. The hardest thing for me to come to terms with is yes it's a memorial to honor Mom but it's also about what I want. It feels like I'm planning a party for her but I am making all the choices. It feels backwards somehow.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Tomorrow I WILL Face Getting Rid of Mom's Clothes

They can't stay in the livingroom forever. And tomorrow is my day off. I am going to ask my daughter to help me take them to the Senior Center. I might keep one or two things that I liked on her and put them away in a keepsake box.

Childish Wishes

I shouldn't have tried it-- I googled Mom's name and it shows her death date already. I then googled my birth father and I got an address and phone number -- obviously still living. The man did nothing but give me life. I wish he were dead and Mom alive.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Ride in my HOT car on the way back to work

I had to go to Williamsport for a stress test today. The drive over was at least comfortable but the ride back was really HOT. The car theromoter read 84. That made me think about the road trips we took as kids. Mom usually picked a couple close places for us to go - the park being one of my favorites. We would do what all kids do and ignore the NO WADING --SHOES ARE REQUIRED signs and take our shoes off and wade in the creek. We spent the whole day there. By the time we got back to the car we were soaked. The hot air had us dry before we got home

But, once or twice we to really long trips. We went to Denver -- Mount Rushmore. For me ANYWHERE we went was OK. I hated the inner city with it's noice, druggies and whinos. Home wasn't a safe place when I was young. Not because Mom didn't try.

But the hot air and having to have the window down today made me remember those fun trips. She always had a way to make the long hours in the car an adventure. We would stop to eat not at McDonald's like I did today but at someplace that LOOKED nice. I'm sure Mom had a totally different perspctive about stopping in the middle of no where with three young kids. But I have really warm and fuzzy memories of our road trips. Denver will always remain one of my favorite places in the whole world. not because I remember it being a neat place but because I remember the fun time we had there.

We talked about fixing the air in the car-- it's probably a good thing to do but today I enjoyed not having it.

Thinking of the Future of this Journal

Eventually, I will end my posts to this journal. But I do not want the journey that Mom and I took together to be forgotten. So I am creating a page on my orginal blog for this journal. But for the time being I still need to post here from time to time.  I will announce when my journal is ended. Just not now.