On November 13, 2010 I gladly became the primary caregiver of my mother. She has Lewy Body Dementia, the second most common memory loss condition after Alzhiemers. I knew nothing about Lewy Body Dementia until I brought Mom to Indiana to live with me. My mother is a resident at the Waters of Covington, a rehabilitation center near our home. I would like to have her live with us but her care is more then one person can provide. The staff at the Waters fell in love with Mom immediately. She may be losing her memory and her ability to care for herself but she hasn't lost her sense of humor or her gentle grace. This blog is meant to be a journal of our days together.



On May 15, 2011 My Mother peacefully and fearlessly passed into the here after. Now I journey alone, yet not alone. I have a lifetime of memories.




Sunday, May 22, 2011

One week

The telephone was our way to stay connected. Before unlimited long distance we struggled with high phone bills.

When I was taking treatments for cancer, I would hurry home to call Mom. I never told her how rotten I really felt. Just hearing her voice made me feel better. We talked about the birds I saw that day at my feeder, how my cat imagined himself a great hunter and how the barn swallows dive bombed him. We cried together when he went out to hunt and never came back. We excitedly planned my visit between chemotherapy and radiation. That was the most foolish trip I ever took. I wasn't strong enough to travel but I wanted my mom. I literally spent a week with her in assisted care.

I wish I could call her now. I know many, many people survive loosing a parent. I also know that someday I will enjoy my days again. For now I just go through my day, I smile when I am suppose to. I reply appropriately. But inside I am SCREAMING! I feel like there is a big mark between my eyes that says "mourning". It takes me awhile to realize that most people are completely unaware of my sadness.

I told Myron I didn't remember how long I felt sad after the babies died. He said a long, long time. This sadness hurts more. Maybe because I didn't actually know the babies. I have a lifetime of memories with Mom. I think too since she is my ONLY parent I am more sad.

I talked to a friend of mine. She lost her husband a little over a year ago. She says the grief ambushes you. She says in someways she did better the first year then she is doing now. I know she struggles. She is still very angry at God for not healing. I prayed for healing but I accepted very early on that wasn't going to happen for Mom. I did ask for more time. I feel so cheated. So maybe I am angry at God. Another friend once told me that God is big eough to handle our anger. But, I'm not really REALLY angry. I am SAD.
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
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1 comment:

  1. Kathy LowreyMay 23, 2011 at 3:51 PM

    One week.
    It seems to have flown by but also like it was a lifetime. I know.
    Screaming, go ahead, scream shout, cry, kick, stomp, swear, whatever it takes to get through, just remember to get through. All the way through. Too many people get lost and stuck in the depression, anger and bitterness.

    Your friend that said grief ambushes you, is correct. Perhaps the first year is still a state of shock, trying to cope with the newness and change of every special occasion. After that, it sneaks up at the strangest times.

    Keep a journal, a smile journal. Every day write down one thing that happened in the day or that you remembered, even from the past, that made you smile.
    It doesn't have to be about anything specific.
    It WILL be hard to do, but it will keep you focused.

    The road is long and bumpy. God knows how you feel. He is there to comfort you.

    Linda, I'm still praying for you.

    ReplyDelete

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