Sonehow the days have run together and a year has gone by. It feels so very impossible.I still miss her terribly. The closer I get to that one year date the harder it is for me to keep my composure. I have decided that I am going to take her Death Day to remember her in a special way. I am taking that day off and I am going to go to the park. I am going to draw and walk the trails. I might go shopping That evening Myron and I am going to go out for a nice dinner. I just don't want the day to be work as usual. That day is an important day to me. I am going to honor her passing as best I can.
I bought her a lilly last year for easter. I brought it home and planted it on the south side of our house. Her lilly didn't come up this year. So maybe I will buy another one to take home and plant. This has been a nice year for planting flowers. The weather is not real hot and we are getting lots of rain even though the water tables are way down from the dry winter. Mom especially loved lillies. She once planted a lilly at her last house. She wouldn't let me go home without taking a picture of it for her. So, yes, I will buy a lilly to plant for her.
I have been working on a pencil portrait of her. I am going to mat it and frame it when I am done. She would be thrilled that I am drawing again. When we were young, Mom bought my sister and brother bicycles one summer. She bought me an oil painting set. She was very proud of my artwork. She was disappointed when I quite drawing after my kids were born. I am taking a drawing class. The woman who teaches it is young and very talented. I will take my drawing to her tonight to get her to tell me what I need to do on it still. It looks very much like Mom. But I want it to be the best I can make it.
a journal about keeping the memories of my mother who suffers with Lewy Body Dementia
On November 13, 2010 I gladly became the primary caregiver of my mother. She has Lewy Body Dementia, the second most common memory loss condition after Alzhiemers. I knew nothing about Lewy Body Dementia until I brought Mom to Indiana to live with me. My mother is a resident at the Waters of Covington, a rehabilitation center near our home. I would like to have her live with us but her care is more then one person can provide. The staff at the Waters fell in love with Mom immediately. She may be losing her memory and her ability to care for herself but she hasn't lost her sense of humor or her gentle grace. This blog is meant to be a journal of our days together.
On May 15, 2011 My Mother peacefully and fearlessly passed into the here after. Now I journey alone, yet not alone. I have a lifetime of memories.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Missing Her
As much as I try to rationalize it is still hard at times knowing that my mother is gone. We are remodeling our livingroom. I moved the box that holds Mom's ashes and it just hit me like a run away train that she was gone. We talk about taking her home and it seems so unreal. I look at her picture and I think I need to call her. Then I am sad because I know I can't. My grief counselor says I need closure. I'm not convienced that taking her ashes back to Minnesota will really do that. I think the feeling that a piece is missing will always be there.
I am painting and learning to draw. My assignment for next week is to decide on a picture I want to draw. I think I will draw a picture of Mom happy and full of life. I think studying her face is what I want to do for awhile.
I am painting and learning to draw. My assignment for next week is to decide on a picture I want to draw. I think I will draw a picture of Mom happy and full of life. I think studying her face is what I want to do for awhile.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Past Thanksgivings
When I was a little girl Thanksgiving started at school. We read stories about the pilgrims and the indians. We sang songs about gratitude and love. We made funny black hats and wore aprons. Pumpkin pie was enjoyed several times just because.
Mom was a single mom when being a single mom wasn't talked about. She worked HARD. We always managed to have a turkey. Her sacrifices during the summer paid off in a feast that would be remembered all year long. She made two kinds of dressing for the turkey. One with oysters and one without. She eventually told me the story about how she came to not like oysters. I laughed when she told me about trying to eat an oyster right out of the can and almost throwing up as it slide down her throat.
We as kids NEVER felt deprived. We didn't know we were poor until someone else told us. The only thing we missed was a father.We lived above a skidrow bar. We learned early how to dodge drunks. Somehow she preserved our inocense. We were good kids and it was she who made sure we stayed that way. She loved us with all her heart, soul and strength. She made the holidays magical starting with Thanksgiving. It's no wonder that I miss her so much.
Mom was a single mom when being a single mom wasn't talked about. She worked HARD. We always managed to have a turkey. Her sacrifices during the summer paid off in a feast that would be remembered all year long. She made two kinds of dressing for the turkey. One with oysters and one without. She eventually told me the story about how she came to not like oysters. I laughed when she told me about trying to eat an oyster right out of the can and almost throwing up as it slide down her throat.
We as kids NEVER felt deprived. We didn't know we were poor until someone else told us. The only thing we missed was a father.We lived above a skidrow bar. We learned early how to dodge drunks. Somehow she preserved our inocense. We were good kids and it was she who made sure we stayed that way. She loved us with all her heart, soul and strength. She made the holidays magical starting with Thanksgiving. It's no wonder that I miss her so much.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The holidays are proving hard.
I sometimes have problems with Thanksgiving anyway. This is the time of year that I miss the kids (the two tht we don't have contact with). But this year it is harder because I am missing Mom too. I have been having nightmares. Dreams I haven't had to deal with for a very long time. Dreams where I am taking care of things and the kids are there making it hard. The difference is Mom is there too. She is alive and strong. And when I normally wake up to end the awefulness of it now I am fighting to stay asleep because I am enjoying having her with me. It's craziness I know. I called my grief counselor and asked him for a meet up. I think it will help. At least it will give me permission to cry. It seems so much of the time I am sucking it in and telling myself "Not now." But there doesn't seem to be a time to cry. My husband and others are pleased with the way I am "handling" things. Little do they know that I'm not handling anything right now. I HATE the fact that I haven't buried Mom properly yet. I also hate the way I have to be for everyone else. It doesn't matter that there are times I am madder then hell. I soooo want to beat something up. It makes me mad that I have to go on like everything is ok now. It's not ok and I want someone else other then me to know that. I hate that I am giving in and being socially acceptable. I hate that I have stopped taking the anti-depressants because my husband wanted me to. I hate the fact that there are days that I actually enjoy the day and everything is the way it should be and then there are days like today whenI am quietly miserible.
I have applied for a second job. When I get it, I will be able to save for the trip to Minnesota. I am praying that I can do that next spring. I will take Mom back and bury her where she wanted (not where it is convient for my sister or brothers) . I will contact my brother to see if I can get her pictures. IF he still has them. I can't see a commercial for Storage Wars without getting really upset. I am so scared that he has lost that storage and that is why he won't send me the pictures.
I have applied for a second job. When I get it, I will be able to save for the trip to Minnesota. I am praying that I can do that next spring. I will take Mom back and bury her where she wanted (not where it is convient for my sister or brothers) . I will contact my brother to see if I can get her pictures. IF he still has them. I can't see a commercial for Storage Wars without getting really upset. I am so scared that he has lost that storage and that is why he won't send me the pictures.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Sunday was special
Sunday was special. We went to church then went out for dinner. We went to the Festival of Trees and then we went to a special Memorial service for all the people who passed away and were served by Sunset Funeral Services. It was special to me because my mother died on May 15th this year but I haven't been able to bury her yet. My siblings were not interested in a service for her. I REALLY needed the service. I am praying that I will be able to take her home for a proper burial next spring. But, in the meantime the service this weekend was nice. Of courase I cried and was sad for the rest of the day. But sad isn't bad.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Thanks to God and Financial Peace University
Everything is beginning to look a lot better. Unexpected funds and refreshing what I already learned from FPU we are almost out of the mess that happened after Mom died. Looking back, I can see that we were very definitely under attack. I do not like to use those terms but there is no other explanation.
When Mom started to decline, I cut my working hours by 12 hours a week so I could spend more time with her. It put a strain on our budget that slowly festered into a really big problem. My car died two weeks before Mom died. I used our emergency fund to buy a different car. I needed that money for Mom's burial expenses. Then Myron's truck broke down a few days after Mom died. Cremation expenses, decreased work hours, car repairs, truck repairs and grief all at once. YUCK!!
But, counseling and good steady friends have seen us through and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I made myself sit down and redo our budget.It is amazing how much we waste when we do not keep track. I got an unexpected bonus and we got Myron's truck back today. No more asking for rides or long waits to be picked up. And I just made payment arrangements with our mortgage company. I would not have been able to talk to them the way I did without the knowledge from FPU. I took control of the conversation and I told them what I could afford to pay and when. God did the rest by giving me favor. The bank officer even told me how to tell them where to apply my extra payments so I would get the most credit for it. By the end of the month they will be caught up. They were going to start foreclosure on Aug 4. With all back payments caught up I can re-establish our insurances, the last step tore-establishing our financial responsibility.
It took some serious steps. I downgraded my iPhone. We will still cut the cord to our satellite tv, no eating out for a very LONG time and NO CRAFT SUPPLY BUYING. Even when I can spend on crafts again it will be very controlled and thought out. I have pledged to use what I have. Mom would be proud.
With the finances coming under control, I will be able to concentrate on Mom's memorial service. I hate that I haven't officially buried her yet. But, now I am relaxing and I think we can come together and honor her the way she deserves. The service is not for her as much as it is for us. I can now imagine her happy and strong. It's a good picture.
When Mom started to decline, I cut my working hours by 12 hours a week so I could spend more time with her. It put a strain on our budget that slowly festered into a really big problem. My car died two weeks before Mom died. I used our emergency fund to buy a different car. I needed that money for Mom's burial expenses. Then Myron's truck broke down a few days after Mom died. Cremation expenses, decreased work hours, car repairs, truck repairs and grief all at once. YUCK!!
But, counseling and good steady friends have seen us through and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I made myself sit down and redo our budget.It is amazing how much we waste when we do not keep track. I got an unexpected bonus and we got Myron's truck back today. No more asking for rides or long waits to be picked up. And I just made payment arrangements with our mortgage company. I would not have been able to talk to them the way I did without the knowledge from FPU. I took control of the conversation and I told them what I could afford to pay and when. God did the rest by giving me favor. The bank officer even told me how to tell them where to apply my extra payments so I would get the most credit for it. By the end of the month they will be caught up. They were going to start foreclosure on Aug 4. With all back payments caught up I can re-establish our insurances, the last step tore-establishing our financial responsibility.
It took some serious steps. I downgraded my iPhone. We will still cut the cord to our satellite tv, no eating out for a very LONG time and NO CRAFT SUPPLY BUYING. Even when I can spend on crafts again it will be very controlled and thought out. I have pledged to use what I have. Mom would be proud.
With the finances coming under control, I will be able to concentrate on Mom's memorial service. I hate that I haven't officially buried her yet. But, now I am relaxing and I think we can come together and honor her the way she deserves. The service is not for her as much as it is for us. I can now imagine her happy and strong. It's a good picture.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Trip to Missouri
We went to Missouri to see Aaron and his family. Aaron is home from Afghanastan for two week leave. We went down on Friday and came back on Sunday. It was a too short visit but it was nice. We crowded as much as we could into two days. The kids are precious. Aaron look good. He doesn't talk a lot about his assignment and we respect his reasons. So in spite of the elephant in the room we had a good time.
Towards the end of the visit I started to get anxious. All the people and the noise really started to get to me. I'm not sure if it was my emotional state or the hearing aids. All I know is Saturday night I couldn't get out of there fast enough and Sunday night I was SOOOOOO glad when we dropped my daughter and grand children off at their home. The quiet was blissfully sad because as much as I NEEDED the quiet I also wanted to have the time with my daughter, grand children, and son. I sooooo hate feeling so fragile.
I know I am dealing with my grief in a healthy way. I will continue to see the grief counselor as often as he is willing to come. We are slowly recovering from the financial disaster that I created. Myron has been so patient. He knows I feel bad enough, so he does not add to it. Actually, nothing has really changed, I'm just not stressing as much over it. We are still behind on payments. Haven't gotten any overdrafts this week but that doesn't mean we won't. I have taken the attitude that we will pay and pay and pay until the money is gone then we won't won't won't.
Then yesterday, I got a letter from my father who I have not heard from or seen since I was 2 1/2. They want me to write and to call. Close friends and Myron are telling me to be cautious. I'm not sure how I feel or what I want. All I know is I am vulnerable right now and I do not trust my judgement.
This is one of those times I wish Mom was here for me to talk to. Although I don't think I would have this decision to make if she were alive. So I look at her picture and I wonder what would she tell me to do.
Towards the end of the visit I started to get anxious. All the people and the noise really started to get to me. I'm not sure if it was my emotional state or the hearing aids. All I know is Saturday night I couldn't get out of there fast enough and Sunday night I was SOOOOOO glad when we dropped my daughter and grand children off at their home. The quiet was blissfully sad because as much as I NEEDED the quiet I also wanted to have the time with my daughter, grand children, and son. I sooooo hate feeling so fragile.
I know I am dealing with my grief in a healthy way. I will continue to see the grief counselor as often as he is willing to come. We are slowly recovering from the financial disaster that I created. Myron has been so patient. He knows I feel bad enough, so he does not add to it. Actually, nothing has really changed, I'm just not stressing as much over it. We are still behind on payments. Haven't gotten any overdrafts this week but that doesn't mean we won't. I have taken the attitude that we will pay and pay and pay until the money is gone then we won't won't won't.
Then yesterday, I got a letter from my father who I have not heard from or seen since I was 2 1/2. They want me to write and to call. Close friends and Myron are telling me to be cautious. I'm not sure how I feel or what I want. All I know is I am vulnerable right now and I do not trust my judgement.
This is one of those times I wish Mom was here for me to talk to. Although I don't think I would have this decision to make if she were alive. So I look at her picture and I wonder what would she tell me to do.
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