Past Thanksgivings

When I was a little girl Thanksgiving started at school. We read stories about the pilgrims and the indians. We sang songs about gratitude and love. We made funny black hats and wore aprons. Pumpkin pie was enjoyed several times just because.

Mom was a single mom when being a single mom wasn't talked about. She worked HARD. We always managed to have a turkey. Her sacrifices during the summer paid off in a feast that would be remembered all year long.  She made two kinds of dressing for the turkey. One with oysters and one without. She eventually told me the story about how she came to not like oysters. I laughed when she told me about trying to eat an oyster right out of the can and almost throwing up as it slide down her throat.

We as kids NEVER  felt deprived. We didn't know we were poor until someone else told us. The only thing we missed was a father.We lived above a skidrow bar. We learned early how to dodge drunks. Somehow she preserved our inocense. We were good kids and it was she who made sure we stayed that way. She loved us with all her heart, soul and strength.  She made the holidays magical starting with Thanksgiving. It's no wonder that I miss her so much.

The holidays are proving hard.

I sometimes have problems with Thanksgiving anyway. This is the time of year that I miss the kids (the two tht we don't have contact with). But this year it is harder because I am missing Mom too. I have been having nightmares. Dreams I haven't  had to deal with for a very long time. Dreams where I am taking care of things and the kids are there making it hard. The difference is Mom is there too. She is alive and strong. And when I normally wake up to end the awefulness of it now I am fighting to stay asleep because I am enjoying having her with me. It's craziness I know. I called my grief counselor and asked him for a meet up. I think it will help. At least it will give me permission to cry. It seems so much of the time I am sucking it in and telling myself "Not now." But there doesn't seem to be a time to cry. My husband and others are pleased with the way I am "handling" things. Little do they know that I'm not handling anything right now. I HATE the fact that I haven't buried Mom properly yet. I also hate the way I have to be for everyone else. It doesn't matter that there are times I am madder then hell. I soooo want to beat something up. It makes me mad that I  have to go on like everything is ok now. It's not ok and I want someone else other then me to know that. I hate that I am giving in and being socially acceptable. I hate that I have stopped taking the anti-depressants because my husband wanted me to. I hate the fact that there are days that I actually enjoy the day and everything is the way it should be and then there are days like today whenI am quietly miserible.

I have applied for a second job. When I get it, I will be able to save for the trip to Minnesota. I am praying that I can do that next spring. I will take Mom back and bury her where she wanted (not where it is convient for my sister or brothers) . I will contact my brother to see if I can get her pictures. IF he still has them. I can't see a commercial for Storage Wars without getting really upset. I am so scared that he has lost that storage and that is why he won't send me the pictures.

Sunday was special

 Sunday was special. We went to church then went out for dinner. We went to the Festival of Trees and then we went to a special Memorial service for all the people who passed away and were served by Sunset Funeral Services. It was special to me because my mother died on May 15th this year but I haven't been able to bury her yet. My siblings were not interested in a service for her. I REALLY needed the service. I am praying that I will be able to take her home for a proper burial next spring. But, in the meantime the service this weekend was nice. Of courase I cried and was sad for the rest of the day. But sad isn't bad.

Thanks to God and Financial Peace University

Everything is beginning to look a lot better. Unexpected funds and refreshing what I already learned from FPU we are almost out of the mess that happened after Mom died. Looking back, I can see that we were very definitely under attack. I do not like to use those terms but there is no other explanation.

When Mom started to decline, I cut my working hours by 12 hours a week so I could spend more time with her. It put a strain on our budget that slowly festered into a really big problem. My car died two weeks before Mom died. I used our emergency fund to buy a different car. I needed that money for Mom's burial expenses. Then Myron's truck broke down a few days after Mom died. Cremation expenses, decreased work hours, car repairs, truck repairs and grief all at once. YUCK!!

But, counseling and good steady friends have seen us through and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I made myself sit down and redo our budget.It is amazing how much we waste when we do not keep track. I got an unexpected bonus and we got Myron's truck back today. No more asking for rides or long waits to be picked up. And I just made payment arrangements with our mortgage company. I would not have been able to talk to them the way I did without the knowledge from FPU. I took control of the conversation and I told them what I could afford to pay and when. God did the rest by giving me favor. The bank officer even told me how to tell them where to apply my extra payments so I would get the most credit for it. By the end of the month they will be caught up. They were going to start foreclosure on Aug 4. With all back payments caught up I can re-establish our insurances, the last step tore-establishing our financial responsibility.

It took some serious steps. I downgraded my iPhone. We will still cut the cord to our satellite tv, no eating out for a very LONG time and NO CRAFT SUPPLY BUYING. Even when I can spend on crafts again it will be very controlled and thought out. I have pledged to use what I have. Mom would be proud.

With the finances coming under control, I will be able to concentrate on Mom's memorial service. I hate that I haven't officially buried her yet. But, now I am relaxing and I think we can come together and honor her the way she deserves. The service is not for her as much as it is for us. I can now imagine her happy and strong. It's a good picture.

Trip to Missouri

We went to Missouri to see Aaron and his family. Aaron is home from Afghanastan for two week leave. We went down on Friday and came back on Sunday. It was a too short visit but it was nice. We crowded as much as we could into two days. The kids are precious. Aaron look good. He doesn't talk a lot about his assignment and we respect his reasons. So in spite of the elephant in the room we had a good time.

Towards the end of the visit I started to get anxious. All the people and the noise really started to get to me. I'm not sure if it was my emotional state or the hearing aids. All I know is Saturday night I couldn't get out of there fast enough and Sunday night I was SOOOOOO glad when we dropped my daughter and grand children off at their home. The quiet was blissfully sad because as much as I NEEDED the quiet I also wanted to have the time with my daughter, grand children, and son. I sooooo hate feeling so fragile.

I know I am dealing with my grief in a healthy way. I will continue to see the grief counselor as often as he is willing to come. We are slowly recovering from the financial disaster that I created. Myron has been so patient. He knows I feel bad enough, so he does not add to it. Actually, nothing has really changed, I'm just not stressing as much over it. We are still behind on payments. Haven't gotten any overdrafts this week but that doesn't mean we won't. I have taken the attitude that we will pay and pay and pay until the money is gone then we won't won't won't.

Then yesterday, I got a letter from my father who I have not heard from or seen since I was 2 1/2. They want me to write and to call. Close friends and Myron are telling me to be cautious. I'm not sure how I feel or what I want. All I know is I am vulnerable right now and I do not trust my judgement.
This is one of those times I wish Mom was here for me to talk to. Although I don't think I would have this decision to make if she were alive. So I look at her picture and I wonder what would she tell me to do.

Fatigue Mystery

I'm back to thinking my tiredness is the meds. Yesterday and today I have not been tired. I have been able to work under the bright lights just fine and I feel pretty good. The Dr. and counselor said it would take me two weeks to adjust the meds. So maybe what is happening is part of that. All I know is I felt really aweful over the weekend and Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday and today are much better.

I have all kinds of people calling to check on me all of a sudden. I have more appointments then I know what to do with. LOL I will be well counseled by tomorrow night. Really, I don't mind having dinner with the Pastor's wife. But  I could do without the visit from the SW from the funeral home. But she said she would help me find out how to get Mom's name on her family stone in Minnesota. So I agreed to meet with her tomorrow. The grief counselor from hospice comes once a week. I really needed to talk to him at first. But I can see me having him come less often in the near future.

My sister is suppose to call tonight.

I think I Might Have Figured Out Why I Am So Tired

My old office had one small window and I got horrible headaches from the ceiling lights. I literally took the fluorescent bulbs out of my office and replaced them with  lamps. Now, I am not getting headaches, but I am SO tired before noon that I fight to stay awake by 5:30pm (time to go home). My new office is twice big as the old one and my window is directly behind me when I sit at my computer. Yesterday, I was so tired when I went home all I wanted was to lie down. I have been thinking it is the anti-depressant medication that was making me so tired. But last night I didn't lay down but started to fix supper. By the time I had supper ready, I felt better. I don't have many overhead lights at home. So today I am trying out leaving the overhead lights off in my office. I hope it works. It would be an easy fix.

I have been seeing a grief counselor for a few weeks and I have mentioned the meds. I feel better, and I am able to function at work OK. Our finances are horrible. I can get really down when I think about that. But, we have been in just as bad shape financially and survived. We will survive this too. It just takes time.

In the meantime, I am explaining to everyone that during the last few weeks of Mom's illness and after her death, I was not thinking real clear and I made to really bad choices. My checking accounts are a mess. So we are going to a cash only system (which we should have been on all along). When the money is gone we stop paying. We will catch up eventually.

I played around with the idea of selling my flute. But, to be able to make that kind of sacrifice I would have to get what the flute is worth and I don't think I could. So I have pretty much given that idea up. Besides, I want to play it at Mom's memorial service in October.

One thing that probably won't happen is, I won't be taking her ashes to Minnesota in September unless our finances improve dramatically. That is possible but it doesn't look good. I'm OK with that. We will go when it doesn't hurt us financially. Mom will be OK with that.

It's nice not feeling so torn apart. I miss Mom a lot of course. But, I am starting to  look forward. I know Mom expects me to be able to carry on. She raised me to be strong. That is what I will be.