We went to Missouri to see Aaron and his family. Aaron is home from Afghanastan for two week leave. We went down on Friday and came back on Sunday. It was a too short visit but it was nice. We crowded as much as we could into two days. The kids are precious. Aaron look good. He doesn't talk a lot about his assignment and we respect his reasons. So in spite of the elephant in the room we had a good time.
Towards the end of the visit I started to get anxious. All the people and the noise really started to get to me. I'm not sure if it was my emotional state or the hearing aids. All I know is Saturday night I couldn't get out of there fast enough and Sunday night I was SOOOOOO glad when we dropped my daughter and grand children off at their home. The quiet was blissfully sad because as much as I NEEDED the quiet I also wanted to have the time with my daughter, grand children, and son. I sooooo hate feeling so fragile.
I know I am dealing with my grief in a healthy way. I will continue to see the grief counselor as often as he is willing to come. We are slowly recovering from the financial disaster that I created. Myron has been so patient. He knows I feel bad enough, so he does not add to it. Actually, nothing has really changed, I'm just not stressing as much over it. We are still behind on payments. Haven't gotten any overdrafts this week but that doesn't mean we won't. I have taken the attitude that we will pay and pay and pay until the money is gone then we won't won't won't.
Then yesterday, I got a letter from my father who I have not heard from or seen since I was 2 1/2. They want me to write and to call. Close friends and Myron are telling me to be cautious. I'm not sure how I feel or what I want. All I know is I am vulnerable right now and I do not trust my judgement.
This is one of those times I wish Mom was here for me to talk to. Although I don't think I would have this decision to make if she were alive. So I look at her picture and I wonder what would she tell me to do.
a journal about keeping the memories of my mother who suffers with Lewy Body Dementia
On November 13, 2010 I gladly became the primary caregiver of my mother. She has Lewy Body Dementia, the second most common memory loss condition after Alzhiemers. I knew nothing about Lewy Body Dementia until I brought Mom to Indiana to live with me. My mother is a resident at the Waters of Covington, a rehabilitation center near our home. I would like to have her live with us but her care is more then one person can provide. The staff at the Waters fell in love with Mom immediately. She may be losing her memory and her ability to care for herself but she hasn't lost her sense of humor or her gentle grace. This blog is meant to be a journal of our days together.
On May 15, 2011 My Mother peacefully and fearlessly passed into the here after. Now I journey alone, yet not alone. I have a lifetime of memories.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Fatigue Mystery
I'm back to thinking my tiredness is the meds. Yesterday and today I have not been tired. I have been able to work under the bright lights just fine and I feel pretty good. The Dr. and counselor said it would take me two weeks to adjust the meds. So maybe what is happening is part of that. All I know is I felt really aweful over the weekend and Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday and today are much better.
I have all kinds of people calling to check on me all of a sudden. I have more appointments then I know what to do with. LOL I will be well counseled by tomorrow night. Really, I don't mind having dinner with the Pastor's wife. But I could do without the visit from the SW from the funeral home. But she said she would help me find out how to get Mom's name on her family stone in Minnesota. So I agreed to meet with her tomorrow. The grief counselor from hospice comes once a week. I really needed to talk to him at first. But I can see me having him come less often in the near future.
My sister is suppose to call tonight.
I have all kinds of people calling to check on me all of a sudden. I have more appointments then I know what to do with. LOL I will be well counseled by tomorrow night. Really, I don't mind having dinner with the Pastor's wife. But I could do without the visit from the SW from the funeral home. But she said she would help me find out how to get Mom's name on her family stone in Minnesota. So I agreed to meet with her tomorrow. The grief counselor from hospice comes once a week. I really needed to talk to him at first. But I can see me having him come less often in the near future.
My sister is suppose to call tonight.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I think I Might Have Figured Out Why I Am So Tired
My old office had one small window and I got horrible headaches from the ceiling lights. I literally took the fluorescent bulbs out of my office and replaced them with lamps. Now, I am not getting headaches, but I am SO tired before noon that I fight to stay awake by 5:30pm (time to go home). My new office is twice big as the old one and my window is directly behind me when I sit at my computer. Yesterday, I was so tired when I went home all I wanted was to lie down. I have been thinking it is the anti-depressant medication that was making me so tired. But last night I didn't lay down but started to fix supper. By the time I had supper ready, I felt better. I don't have many overhead lights at home. So today I am trying out leaving the overhead lights off in my office. I hope it works. It would be an easy fix.
I have been seeing a grief counselor for a few weeks and I have mentioned the meds. I feel better, and I am able to function at work OK. Our finances are horrible. I can get really down when I think about that. But, we have been in just as bad shape financially and survived. We will survive this too. It just takes time.
In the meantime, I am explaining to everyone that during the last few weeks of Mom's illness and after her death, I was not thinking real clear and I made to really bad choices. My checking accounts are a mess. So we are going to a cash only system (which we should have been on all along). When the money is gone we stop paying. We will catch up eventually.
I played around with the idea of selling my flute. But, to be able to make that kind of sacrifice I would have to get what the flute is worth and I don't think I could. So I have pretty much given that idea up. Besides, I want to play it at Mom's memorial service in October.
One thing that probably won't happen is, I won't be taking her ashes to Minnesota in September unless our finances improve dramatically. That is possible but it doesn't look good. I'm OK with that. We will go when it doesn't hurt us financially. Mom will be OK with that.
It's nice not feeling so torn apart. I miss Mom a lot of course. But, I am starting to look forward. I know Mom expects me to be able to carry on. She raised me to be strong. That is what I will be.
I have been seeing a grief counselor for a few weeks and I have mentioned the meds. I feel better, and I am able to function at work OK. Our finances are horrible. I can get really down when I think about that. But, we have been in just as bad shape financially and survived. We will survive this too. It just takes time.
In the meantime, I am explaining to everyone that during the last few weeks of Mom's illness and after her death, I was not thinking real clear and I made to really bad choices. My checking accounts are a mess. So we are going to a cash only system (which we should have been on all along). When the money is gone we stop paying. We will catch up eventually.
I played around with the idea of selling my flute. But, to be able to make that kind of sacrifice I would have to get what the flute is worth and I don't think I could. So I have pretty much given that idea up. Besides, I want to play it at Mom's memorial service in October.
One thing that probably won't happen is, I won't be taking her ashes to Minnesota in September unless our finances improve dramatically. That is possible but it doesn't look good. I'm OK with that. We will go when it doesn't hurt us financially. Mom will be OK with that.
It's nice not feeling so torn apart. I miss Mom a lot of course. But, I am starting to look forward. I know Mom expects me to be able to carry on. She raised me to be strong. That is what I will be.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I Hate Banks
I deposited two checks refunded to me from the funeral home yesterday. The bank called me just now -- THEY made a mistake and didn't debit our account in April and are taking the money NOW. Everything that the funeral home refunded is gone. I am back to not having gas for the car or the funds to pay a bill that is due tomorrow. UGH!! What do you do when what God provides is taken away? I am SO dissapointed.
I've had a couple of hours to think and to pray and I feel much better. This little bump in the road has just made me more determined to spend less so we can save more and be better prepared the next time "the sky" decides to "fall". I refuse to be a victim to ANYTHING. It might takes us a little while but we are not going to be here forever.
I've had a couple of hours to think and to pray and I feel much better. This little bump in the road has just made me more determined to spend less so we can save more and be better prepared the next time "the sky" decides to "fall". I refuse to be a victim to ANYTHING. It might takes us a little while but we are not going to be here forever.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Well, Carl, God has Provided
I received a refund from the funeral home yesterday. It's enough to pay the biggest of our remaining bills. Now we can put gas in the car to finish out our week.
I think I should be excited about this, but I'm not. I'm not sure if my lack of emotion is the greif or the medicine I am on for the grief. I'm less sad, but I am less everything else too. But I've only been taking it since Friday and the Dr told me it would take two weeks for me to feel much different. I am not convinced that a drug can help this kind of sadness. But I am willing to try. I trust the Dr and the grief conselor. I know one thing for sure the other stuff was interfering with my ability to work. If this interferes I will quit it.
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
I think I should be excited about this, but I'm not. I'm not sure if my lack of emotion is the greif or the medicine I am on for the grief. I'm less sad, but I am less everything else too. But I've only been taking it since Friday and the Dr told me it would take two weeks for me to feel much different. I am not convinced that a drug can help this kind of sadness. But I am willing to try. I trust the Dr and the grief conselor. I know one thing for sure the other stuff was interfering with my ability to work. If this interferes I will quit it.
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, June 10, 2011
Finances are an unnecessary part of my greiving
Still no help from my siblings. I used ALL our extra and some of our bill money to pay for Mom's cremation. So now we are scrambling to make everything good. The more I struggle to pay our bills the angrier I get. How easy it is for them to tell me, "God will supply" --"I'll try." and do nothing.
I reworked our budget this afternoon. With the extra expenses AND cut hours we are SO not making it. How fast we recover will depend on how much we can do without and how many work hours Myron gets and of course holidays will hurt too. Neither of us get paid holidays.
Today I downgraded our phone service and we will "cut the cord" from our tv service. All total it will come to $150 a month savings.
It's not the finances or the changes that I am angry about. It's all those years they had her close and she was herself. When she was weak and feeble they let me have her and now I will do this one last thing alone.
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
I reworked our budget this afternoon. With the extra expenses AND cut hours we are SO not making it. How fast we recover will depend on how much we can do without and how many work hours Myron gets and of course holidays will hurt too. Neither of us get paid holidays.
Today I downgraded our phone service and we will "cut the cord" from our tv service. All total it will come to $150 a month savings.
It's not the finances or the changes that I am angry about. It's all those years they had her close and she was herself. When she was weak and feeble they let me have her and now I will do this one last thing alone.
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Too Tired
I am weening myself off the medication I started taking a couple weeks before Mom died. I was having heart pain and the Dr thought it was a result from dealing with Mom's illness. Well, now I am so tired I can hardly move, although today is the second day I have cut my doses. I feel more alert but I am still so tired. At least after a stress test last week I know it isn't my heart. Dr. wants me to have blood work done. He thinks I might have a low thyroid. It makes sence. but getting to the lab to have my blood drawn is going to be a trick. I might have to take time from work to do it.
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