How Do I Win This Fight

I shortened my work days so I can be at the nursing home more. Not so I can be with Mom more but to keep an eye on her care. Her turn schedule is a pain. Some NA just don't take it seriously. They do not turn her before going to the dining room for the meal and then she is the last patient they take care I'd after the meal. She can EASILY go more the four hours before they think to turn her. Or they do not get her on her side enough and she is mostly on her back (she has a bed sore on her but and should not be on her back). So I am taking a $100 a week cut in pay to insist my mother is turned appropriately.
I am pretty sure I am going to make a few enemies before this is all over. The NA's are going to figure out that I don't care a xxxxx about their feeding schedule. If Mom could eat they would be feeding her so they can give her a few of the minutes they don't have to spend feeding her and turn her. I am so close to really loosing my temper.

Now, I have classes I have to take for work. The class meets once a week for three hours. It takes me an hour to drive to the class site. The classes start next week and will run through August. But if these lazy NA don't get their act together how can I concentrate on what I need to learn? The classes are important to me. I have prayed for the chance to take these classes for a year. They will provide me with a certificate that will allow me to keep in stride with much younger people in my field.

This is the source of my frustration.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Settling into yet a new routine

Mom's condition has Leveled off again. She is completely dependent on staff now. I have to keep a watchful eye on her care to ensure everything is done that can be done for her comfort. She won't allow staff to do her mouth care. She clamps her mouth shut and gives them her meanest look. It's kind of comical. So I do her mouth care. She resists a little. I tell her I am going to do it and that's that.

She is generally alert for seconds at a time. She will speak in short spurts. You better be listening because she won't repeat. She still has her sense of humor. She surprises me every now and then with it.

Mom has had nothing by mouth except teaspoons of ice water or jello in therapy for almost a month. She has a dextrose IV. The doctor says she can servive for several weeks this way. But it is getting harder to keep a good IV site going. Then I have to decide if she should have an arterial (pic line) IV or if the IV should be discontinued. She could survive for a very long time with a pic line. She will not survive long without an IV. Again my decision is keep her alive or let her die. Really, being her MPOA sucks. Every decision I make is unbelievably hard. I agonize over every one. I spend hours with her trying to get a since of what she might want. But ultimately I decide. It always feels like I am sentencing her to death.

My grief is sometimes unbearable. I very seldom have the freedom to just cry. Lately I have been getting heart pain. I went to the doctor yesterday. I had an EKG done. The doctor prescribed an anti-anxiety med for me. Being there fir her and my own life just gets to be too much sometimes. I pray for her always. I pray for me too.






- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Changes Again

Mom choked at supper on Tuesday. I decided I was going home that evening instead of sitting with Mom. My work day had been especially stressful and ALL I wanted was to go home and have a quiet night at home. Instead, I spent the night at Mom's bedside. Kathy, my daughter,spent the night with her on Wednesday night. All Tuesday night all the next day and night she was very close to death. Thursday she was no better or worse. Friday was the same. Yesterday she was weak but alert. Today she was alert.

I tried to talk to her today about her condition. My pastor's wife suggested I tell her that it was OK to go. But Mom would have nothing to do with that. She closed her eyes and turned her head. When she tries ti talk to me it is nonsense. Kathy brought her a boombox and I have CD that either she gave me or we gave shared at one time or another. I have been playing them for her.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I am going to cut back my hours for as long as I need to. I have had heart pain for several days. I am going to listen to my body and do what I can to lessen the stress. I will be no good to Mom if I get down now. Besides it will give me mire time to spend with Mom.

- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

New Reality

Mom is settling into a new routine, however fragile it might be. She is aware of her immediate surroundings, expresses discomfort, let's the girls know she hears them fine and they do not need to yell (lol) and enjoys the video tapes I have brought her. BUT she eats very little and her breath sounds are very congested at times. I have stopped feeding her because I am fearful of her aspirating. I don't even like being there when the NA's feed her. But I am there at supper time during the week.On the weekend I can time my visits to avoid meals.

Mom always knows me but there are times when she REALLY knows me. Then she will usually stare and smile. Other times she will close her eyes and ignore me. I try to stay long enough to insure that she is turned to one side or another. Then I go home.

I am trying to figure out how to include some exercise time into my routine. Now I go to work then go to the NH right after work. By the time I get home it is after 7:00 p.m. I need the exercising. My dr. insists that I need it. There is a place 1/2 way between home and work that I like to walk. One idea is to take my lunch hour and drive there and walk the trail for my lunch time. Another idea is to leave home an hour early and walk the trail before I go to work. Each has it's merit. I have to decide which I will like better and then get started.

Why am I journalling about my need for exercise on Mom's blog. Well, I am her only support. I have to take care of myself in order to take care of her. The last three weeks have been so stressful. I am tired ALL the time and the last two days I have woke up with chest pain (shhh -- I haven't said anything to my family about that). I need a time every day to relieve the stress. Mom will continue to decline. I need to think of what is best for my health and establish the habit now while things are relatively quiet.

It's Like I'm Done

Mom is back at the Waters in her old bed. I had a staff meeting yesterday to discuss her care. I also voiced my concerns about the fact that she has a bed sore and what needs to be done to take care of her now that she does. I then went to work. I expected as many of the guidelines to be followed immediately but nothing was changed. So tonight I will go back to see if they have started the new care. If they haven't tomorrow I will talk the the DON again.

Mom is off all IV's now. She has to drink and eat to stay alive. She isn't. I am shocked that I am not more upset. I'm sad of course but I am not crying like I did last week. It's like I'm done. I am grateful that others tell me they are praying for her and me but to tell you the truth I am not praying like I was last week either. It's like I'm done. I'm tired. I could sleep for a week I think. I go through my day with much effort. In the evening I sit down and DO NOTHING. It's like I'm done.

Mom Returns to the Nursing Home Today

I am very nervous about her returning. I have asked for a staff meeting to discuss my concerns. That will be tomorrow at 10:00 am. I don't even know how to write my thoughts for now. It has been such an emotional roller coaster this last week. One day she was about to die and the next she was holding her own. Yesterday she actually WOKE up. She continues to eat very little. Swollowing is the issue. She accepts food into her mouth but then won't or can't swallow. She has aspirated twice in the hospital. The aspiration gave her an infection in her lungs which went to her blood. Add blood clots in both her lungs and legs AND a pretty nasty bed sore and you have a really sick Mom.

It's a strange thing to be happy about but she is being sent back to the NH with an IV. SO she will have to be put on the skilled ward. So maybe, she will get turned when she should be. We will see. I don't want to be difficult but they have to treat her like the fragile flower she is.

My chest is heavy today and I am having a difficult time keeping on task. I NEED more rest. I might have to go to the DR. and ask him to increase my heart meds temporarily so I can handle the stress. But then, if Mom continues to improve and Aaron (our son) gets back to his post in Afganestan I won't need more meds. A mother in destress and a son in a dangerous war zone is too much to handle all at once.

I got an email from my brother. He is giving me full POA for Mom. It's a good thing. He asked and I told him what I needed for Mom's funeral arrangements. I still want all the arrangements made now.

Is It Grace or denial

I am going through my days as usual, visiting, shopping, doing chores, enjoying grandchildren. In the back of my head I am screaming --my mother is dying. How will I continue on without her? I know I will -- I have no choice. The tears are hiding just under the service , waiting to betray me.

I never know what to expect when I come to see her. Most of the time she is asleep. But every now and then she surprises me -- like today -- the NA came in to feed her. She woke up and recognized me. She ate a few bites and then went back to sleep. How am I suppose to make the choices I have to make when she looks at me and smiles. I called my sister and told her she may want to come to see Mom now.

- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone

Mom is Slipping Away

She has blood clots in both lungs. She has aspirated at least twice. Her lungs are infected and the infection has gone to her blood. Truly, I don't think she is here. Her body just hasn't gotten the message. I will step up her arrangements.

I am crying most of the time. I knew this would be hard.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone