Pictures and Drawings

Weekend in Minnesota

Yesterday, I scattered Mom's ashes on her burial plot. My sister and brothers chose not to be there. It was a bittersweet end to a life well lived. The cemetary was just how I remembered it only older. It is a nice place. And it was what she wanted.

Now it is time to move on.  I will always remember her. She gave me so much. Now it is time to make sure I pass on the same to my children and grandchildren.

Mom's Last Trip

Later this afternoon we pick up the rental car we will be driving this weekend to Minnesota. A trip to WalMart for medications (for me) and some necessities, dinner out (birthday dinner for Myron), then an early start in the morning is the plan. Our trip will be 10 1/2 hours long. We have a nice hotel room reserved.

I sent invitations to my brothers and sister. My sister called. She will not come to the cemetery. I had no idea there was so much bitterness connected with my Stepfather's memory. I am sad. I just cant' understand why they can't put their own feelings aside for 20 minutes. Besides, It's not our stepfather's burial. He has been gone for 48 years. What could he have done that couldn't be forgiven by now. Mom and Dad were only married for 13 months before he died. He didn't have enough time with us to do much of anything that terrible. AND she LOVED him.This is the last loving thing we can do for Mom and I will be saying goodbye alone. Well, I can't make them come to honor her. So the weekend is about how I want to say goodbye.

There is a nice forest preserve near our hotel. I am taking my paints and after I go to the cemetery I want to spend sometime painting out in the woods. I also want to make a drawing at the cemetery. So the weekend will be quiet, solitary, and creative. I am hoping that Myron won't be too bored.

Mixed Feelings Come With Plans of Mom's Last Trip Home

I really thought I would be relieved when we finally started making plans to take Mom back to Minnesota. But, I am fighting with sadness, anger, anxioty. I have started using the delay tactics that got me through those first weeks. When I feel like I want to cry, I tell myself "not now, later". Later doesn't come. I'm tired again. I drag through my routine. I try to draw and my mind wanders. I can't get that sence of escape that I first enjoyed when I started drawing.

I started reading a book. It is light reading. It doesn't take much of a commitment. That seems to be my distraction for now. We talk about our plans for next weekend. Our trip is right in the middle of Myron's birtday and our anniversary. Happy events to celebrate.

Trip to Minnesota

I just made hotel reservations for three days in Minnesota. We are finally taking Mom home. I have such mixed feelings. I have saved and saved to have what we need to go and now that I am actually making solid plans I am so sad. It is like taking this step has opened all the grieving that I have pushed aside all these months. Twice I have had to use my savings for living expenses. Each time I have told myself that I had to take care of the living first. Now, we are GOING before anything else can happen.

I got reservations at a nice hotel in Cambridge. They have a bereavement package. Now I have to rent a car. Our car will not make that kind of trip. Then it is just timing.

A Pencil Portrait of Mom

Here is a corrected drawing of my mother. This one I think is finished.

A Drawing of Mom

I am taking a drawing class. This was a class project. I'm not sure I'm finished yet.

It's Almost One Year Already

Sonehow the days have run together and a year has gone by. It feels so very impossible.I still miss her terribly. The closer I get to that one year date the harder it is for me to keep my composure. I have decided that I am going to take her Death Day to remember her in a special way. I am taking that day off and I am going to go to the park. I am going to draw and walk the trails. I might go shopping That evening Myron and I am going to go out for a nice dinner. I just don't want the day to be work as usual. That day is an important day to me. I am going to honor her passing as best I can.

I bought her a lilly last year for easter. I brought it home and planted it on the south side of our house. Her lilly didn't come up this year. So maybe I will buy another one to take home and plant. This has been a nice year for planting flowers. The weather is not real hot and we are getting lots of rain even though the water tables are way down from the dry winter. Mom especially loved lillies. She once planted a lilly at her last house. She wouldn't let me go home without taking a picture of it for her. So, yes, I will buy a lilly to plant for her.

I have been working on a pencil portrait of her. I am going to mat it and frame it when I am done. She would be thrilled that I am drawing again. When we were young, Mom bought my sister and brother bicycles one summer. She bought me an oil painting set. She was very proud of my artwork. She was disappointed when I quite drawing after my kids were born. I am taking a drawing class. The woman who teaches it is young and very talented. I will take my drawing to her tonight to get her to tell me what I need to do on it still. It looks very much like Mom. But I want it to be the best I can make it.

Missing Her

As much as I try to rationalize it is still hard at times knowing that my mother is gone. We are remodeling our livingroom. I moved the box that holds Mom's ashes and it just hit me like a run away train that she was gone. We talk about taking her home and it seems so unreal. I look at her picture and I think I need to call her. Then I am sad because I know I can't. My grief counselor says I need closure. I'm not convienced that taking her ashes back to Minnesota will really do that. I think the feeling that a piece is missing will always be there.

I am painting and learning to draw. My assignment for next week is to decide on a picture I want to draw. I think I will draw a picture of Mom happy and full of life. I think studying her face is what I want to do for awhile.