On November 13, 2010 I gladly became the primary caregiver of my mother. She has Lewy Body Dementia, the second most common memory loss condition after Alzhiemers. I knew nothing about Lewy Body Dementia until I brought Mom to Indiana to live with me. My mother is a resident at the Waters of Covington, a rehabilitation center near our home. I would like to have her live with us but her care is more then one person can provide. The staff at the Waters fell in love with Mom immediately. She may be losing her memory and her ability to care for herself but she hasn't lost her sense of humor or her gentle grace. This blog is meant to be a journal of our days together.



On May 15, 2011 My Mother peacefully and fearlessly passed into the here after. Now I journey alone, yet not alone. I have a lifetime of memories.




Sunday, November 20, 2011

The holidays are proving hard.

I sometimes have problems with Thanksgiving anyway. This is the time of year that I miss the kids (the two tht we don't have contact with). But this year it is harder because I am missing Mom too. I have been having nightmares. Dreams I haven't  had to deal with for a very long time. Dreams where I am taking care of things and the kids are there making it hard. The difference is Mom is there too. She is alive and strong. And when I normally wake up to end the awefulness of it now I am fighting to stay asleep because I am enjoying having her with me. It's craziness I know. I called my grief counselor and asked him for a meet up. I think it will help. At least it will give me permission to cry. It seems so much of the time I am sucking it in and telling myself "Not now." But there doesn't seem to be a time to cry. My husband and others are pleased with the way I am "handling" things. Little do they know that I'm not handling anything right now. I HATE the fact that I haven't buried Mom properly yet. I also hate the way I have to be for everyone else. It doesn't matter that there are times I am madder then hell. I soooo want to beat something up. It makes me mad that I  have to go on like everything is ok now. It's not ok and I want someone else other then me to know that. I hate that I am giving in and being socially acceptable. I hate that I have stopped taking the anti-depressants because my husband wanted me to. I hate the fact that there are days that I actually enjoy the day and everything is the way it should be and then there are days like today whenI am quietly miserible.

I have applied for a second job. When I get it, I will be able to save for the trip to Minnesota. I am praying that I can do that next spring. I will take Mom back and bury her where she wanted (not where it is convient for my sister or brothers) . I will contact my brother to see if I can get her pictures. IF he still has them. I can't see a commercial for Storage Wars without getting really upset. I am so scared that he has lost that storage and that is why he won't send me the pictures.
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3 comments:

  1. Kathy LowreyNovember 22, 2011 at 5:32 PM

    Linda,

    I'm not a professional but it sounds like grieving to me and NOT craziness.
    Holidays are always stressful coupled with grief and topped with stopping your antidepressant it's no wonder you feel like exploding.

    My siblings and I never buried our mother's ashes. We talk about scattering them but the reality of us all being able to get together and do this is, well...

    So I have a lovely treasure box she resides in with her Bible and a baby book of another sibling that passed away far too soon and a bottle of her perfume she liked to wear. I dust her off and smile at her picture. Sometimes I take the perfume out just to smell it.

    I know you will find peace for yourself when you feel like you can care for your mom's remains properly. I hope you remember, you cared for her properly when she was alive also. I hope you feel peace about that.

    You are in my thoughts especially through this Holiday Season.
    {{{hugs}}}

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  2. Linda ShumakerNovember 23, 2011 at 10:12 AM

    With everything that you have on your plate, you take the time to validate my rantings. God bless you.

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  3. Joyce across the PondJanuary 11, 2012 at 6:03 PM

    Hope you get some of your problems sorted out soon...thanks for your comments on my blog. Indeed I too think you are not crazy...you are grieving - take yourself gently through it - you will come out the other end a person who can enjoy all your memories of your dear mother.
    'Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted'

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