Mom Is In The Hospital

She has embolisms in both legs and both lungs. I REALLY thought she was dying Monday night. But, she is still with me. She also has a bed sore. Nurses where great Monday night. She is in a little hospital with only 11 beds. Lots of emotions. I'm not sure which ones are valid and which ones are just me over reacating. I'll write more when I can sort everything out.

Mom was a little improved

This post is out of place. I wrote this last week Monday or Tuesday.

Last evening. But, I think I have ticked off some of the staff. I really don't care. As long as Mom continues to improve, I will continue to tick them off.

But REALLY-- it doesn't take much effort to check that she has everything on her tray. Mom didn't have her healthshake. The slip clearly said she gets one. When I asked where her shake was and the NA who "should have" been feeding her just shrugged her shoulders. I went to the kitchen and GOT her shake. Then when I asked for straws you would have thought I was asking for part of her paycheck. But Mom ate good for me. Then I showed that same NA that Mom's feet were purple, who again looked stupid. I said that Mom would have to be put to bed as Soon after supper as possible. I was told that they would put no one to bed until the dinning room was cleared. So I took Mom to the nurse and showed her Mom's feet. I asked that Mom be the first one put into bed. Then I took her to her room and propped up her feet and massaged her feet until they were a healthier color. Soon after the same aid who said Mom would have to wait came in and said the nurse told her Mom needed to be put in bed. I said OK and smiled.


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Mom goes to the Dr. Tomorrow

And she is having an ultrasound of her neck. Let's pray that they find out what is causing her neck to hurt so much. She ate all her supper and lunch today. Yay!! She still refuses to wear her teeth. She used to not want anyone to see her without them. But this seems to be a good choice. She eats so much better since they have been pureeing her food.


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Mom went to church today

They said she really enjoyed it. She won't open her eyes for me but she will answer my questions.


-Other then keeping her eyes shut she looks like she is feeling OK today.
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Not much change

Went to see Mom this afternoon. She was asleep. She woke up enough to smile at me. I rearranged her room so I could sit and hold her hand. Tried to ask the nurse how her (Mom's) day had gone. She was busy. I was there about an hour but did not talk to the nurse. I'm tired of fighting for my idea of how things should be.


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I Finally Got the Book I Have Been Waiting For

It's a book on Anticipatory Grief -- A really uplifting subject. LOL But I felt I needed a little help. There are no support groups here. My husband does NOT understand what I feel sometimes and I will NOT talk to the staff in my office. Why-- because they cannot or will not approach this on my level which is a daughter who loves her mother very much and as a woman of very strong Christian faith. So I sent for this book. In the first few pages I found two poems that really speak how I feel:

In the darkest place inside,
Something shuddered and took life.
Nothing quite so grand as
a cataclysmic roar
or a howl of anguish
or even a whimper of fear.
Just a h-m-m-m, almost electronic, louder at night.

I will myself to ignore it,
I drown it out with music,
I distract myself, try to relax,
focus on autumn's beauty.
It bides its time.
It whispers of sinister mystery,
unnamed danger,
Finally, in anger and desperation
I demand -- Make yourself known!

You are losing, your are losing her.

From "Singing Mother Home" by Donna S. Davenport



Wanting still to fix things, to make guarantees,
Or at least do these hard months for her,
I hear reality's thunder crash over my wishes.

The current is too strong,
I cannot save her,
There are rapids up ahead ---
whirlpools and undercurrents --
That will surely take her from me.

I hate it, I hate it.
I cry in the car, I kick a trashcan against the wall.
No surprise -- my tears change nothing.
This process does not like me.
It clearly does not listen.

And so, a comprimise of sorts,
A promise:
I will stay with you,
You will not be alone.
Tell me what you need and I will help.
And when you cannot tell me anymore,
When words no longer come,
When you cannot call across the chasm,
I will still be here.

From"Singing Mother Home" by Donna S. Davenport

Some Improvement Today

Believe it or not she is acting and looking a 100% better today. She is still complaining of her neck hurting. But she ate almost all her supper. She won't let us put her teeth in so the NH staff is pureeing her food.

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An Emotional Rollercoaster

Finding something that will give Mom lasting relief from her neck pain has been an emotional roller-coaster. Monday I was encouraged. She ate well for me at supper and even joked with me. Last evening she had her chin so jammed down into the neck collar she was wearing it distorted her face into a troll like face. She ate almost nothing yesterday. When I got her back to her room her teeth were on her night stand. Did they forget to put her teeth in ALL day?


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Pain relief

I went to the drug store and bought Mom a "bed Buddy". You can heat it up then wrap it around her neck to help relieve pain. It looks like it might be helping. I hate it when she is in bed because she doesn't talk to me, but she was so miserable-- I couldn't take it. I got her to drink almost a can of ensure. That's about 200 calories.

Tomorrow is Monday. Time for me to raise some Cain. I am determined to get Mom some serious pain relief. I may have to take time from work to get it done.

I am having to work hard at being aware of my emotions . I have discovered that not many people understand about anticipatory grief. So I am using old survival skills and I am picking my "safe" place to cry. This blog is a good outlet (I knew it would). I also MUST take care to allow myself to cry or the grief affects my job and my boss is not understanding at all. She expects perfection at all times. I HAVE to be able to put my sorrow, my concern for Mom safely away when I am at work. I'm really concerned about that. I'm not sure I will be able to shut the sorrow down as Mom gets worse. I have sent for a book about anticipatory grief. I hope it helps.

I want her to stay but I don't want her like she is now. She is sad, she is in pain, she is not who she was. I pray I am strong enough to let her.


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I have made a decision

I am going to take Mom to a chiropractor ASAP.


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A rocking chair for Mom

I found a rocking chair for Mom at a resale store in town. But she is in bed and not awake enough to get excited about it. I also got her a snuggly. It's blue, her favorite color. Now I am rocking in Mom's new chair while she sleeps. --sigh


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Change in meds again

Kathy and Beca have been watching over Mom for me the last couple of days. Tomorrow I will be able to go see her myself.

Mom has been allowing others to feed her. But she eats very slowly and very little. I always concentrate on the milkshake she gets with every meal. It's small and has 200 calories. If she could get one of those between meals it would help.

She complains of her neck hurting. She won't raise her head up. After much complaining on my part, she now has a neck color that will help her keep her head up a little. AND she has a pain pill ordered. They also increased dementia med back to what it was before. And PT is working more with her. As a rule the Waters is a good place for Mom, but I have learned that it is the presence if family that keeps them doing what they need to do. I will be glad when I can get back to visiting her myself again.


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What a racket

If I have my mother cremated here in Indiana and take her remains back to Minnesota myself and if we have a graveside service the funeral home in Minnesota will charge me $2200. Four what? Four folding chairs?


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Burial Arrangements

I have been in touch with the funeral home in Minnesota. I have discovered that Mom owns a burial plot there. Who would have thought that information would make me feel relieved. They have also offered to come and get her when the time comes and to help me arrange her service. I feel guilty talking to them or making any plans. But I can't stop. I NEED to have everything in order before hand. Once I have these decisions made I am hoping I can concentrate on Mom.




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One Way Doors

This morning I was thinking, praying about Mom. In the beginning I think Mom refused to do certain things because it kept her kids close. She would taunt us with getting out of her wheelchair and walking across the room when we told her she couldn't live on her own anymore because she couldn't walk. She would eat everything on her plate when I complained that she wasn't eating enough. She would get angry when she didn't get things her way.

Dementia is like a series of one way doors. A person can open the door. They can even stand inside of the door and hold the door open for awhile. But eventually, that door will shut and when it shuts it is locked never to be opened again. When the door locks shut that person looses a part of themselves. They have to move forward.

At first the doors are spaced far enough apart that the person can adjust to what they have lost. They even learn new skills to compensate for their loss. But eventually, the doors come closer and closer. Until in the end the doors open into each other and the losses come continually.

I don't know if Mom made decisions that made her "get" dementia. I kind of think that dementia just happens. But, I do know that there were times that she made choices that there was no returning from. I KNOW that at times she has regretted her choices. I know I do.

I have said before, I feel cheated. We talked about this time in her life. She and I made plans. I would ask if she wanted to come and she would say no -- wait. But she waited too long. We won't be doing any of the things we talked about.

Now it is my job to see that she is cared for until she dies, to bury her, to miss her. The thing is, I miss her now. In essense she has died already. Dementia does not play fair.

Went to see Mom after work today

I didn't like what I saw. She was sitting at her place with her supper plate untouched. I immediately sat down and started feeding her. She didn't eat much, but what she ate I fed her. Her head was tucked down to her chest. Every few minutes she complained that her neck hurt. She did NOT have a pain reliever ordered . Why would ANYONE in a medical facility not have an order for at least tylanol?Sometime I hate leaving her there. I left fighting to keep from crying. By the time I got home I was crying. It's after visits like tonight that I wonder if I'll be able to take her home for a day ever again. What is her prison? -- the nursing home or her body. She looked so sad tonight.


- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone