I have been in touch with the funeral home in Minnesota. I have discovered that Mom owns a burial plot there. Who would have thought that information would make me feel relieved. They have also offered to come and get her when the time comes and to help me arrange her service. I feel guilty talking to them or making any plans. But I can't stop. I NEED to have everything in order before hand. Once I have these decisions made I am hoping I can concentrate on Mom.
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
One Way Doors
This morning I was thinking, praying about Mom. In the beginning I think Mom refused to do certain things because it kept her kids close. She would taunt us with getting out of her wheelchair and walking across the room when we told her she couldn't live on her own anymore because she couldn't walk. She would eat everything on her plate when I complained that she wasn't eating enough. She would get angry when she didn't get things her way.
Dementia is like a series of one way doors. A person can open the door. They can even stand inside of the door and hold the door open for awhile. But eventually, that door will shut and when it shuts it is locked never to be opened again. When the door locks shut that person looses a part of themselves. They have to move forward.
At first the doors are spaced far enough apart that the person can adjust to what they have lost. They even learn new skills to compensate for their loss. But eventually, the doors come closer and closer. Until in the end the doors open into each other and the losses come continually.
I don't know if Mom made decisions that made her "get" dementia. I kind of think that dementia just happens. But, I do know that there were times that she made choices that there was no returning from. I KNOW that at times she has regretted her choices. I know I do.
I have said before, I feel cheated. We talked about this time in her life. She and I made plans. I would ask if she wanted to come and she would say no -- wait. But she waited too long. We won't be doing any of the things we talked about.
Now it is my job to see that she is cared for until she dies, to bury her, to miss her. The thing is, I miss her now. In essense she has died already. Dementia does not play fair.
Dementia is like a series of one way doors. A person can open the door. They can even stand inside of the door and hold the door open for awhile. But eventually, that door will shut and when it shuts it is locked never to be opened again. When the door locks shut that person looses a part of themselves. They have to move forward.
At first the doors are spaced far enough apart that the person can adjust to what they have lost. They even learn new skills to compensate for their loss. But eventually, the doors come closer and closer. Until in the end the doors open into each other and the losses come continually.
I don't know if Mom made decisions that made her "get" dementia. I kind of think that dementia just happens. But, I do know that there were times that she made choices that there was no returning from. I KNOW that at times she has regretted her choices. I know I do.
I have said before, I feel cheated. We talked about this time in her life. She and I made plans. I would ask if she wanted to come and she would say no -- wait. But she waited too long. We won't be doing any of the things we talked about.
Now it is my job to see that she is cared for until she dies, to bury her, to miss her. The thing is, I miss her now. In essense she has died already. Dementia does not play fair.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Went to see Mom after work today
I didn't like what I saw. She was sitting at her place with her supper plate untouched. I immediately sat down and started feeding her. She didn't eat much, but what she ate I fed her. Her head was tucked down to her chest. Every few minutes she complained that her neck hurt. She did NOT have a pain reliever ordered . Why would ANYONE in a medical facility not have an order for at least tylanol?Sometime I hate leaving her there. I left fighting to keep from crying. By the time I got home I was crying. It's after visits like tonight that I wonder if I'll be able to take her home for a day ever again. What is her prison? -- the nursing home or her body. She looked so sad tonight.
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, February 28, 2011
An unexpected call at work
The NH called today to say that Mom acted like she was having chest pain and would I want her to see a cardiologist? Duh-- Why do they ask such obvious questions? Don't they know how heart stopping a call from them is? I hope it's warm enough to bring her home for a few hours Friday.
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Awake Finally
The last two times I have visited, I came in the afternoon and she was in bed and WOULD not wake up. So today I came in the morning.
She is eating a chocolate chip cookie.
It's hard to get her to smile.
I'm teasing her. I love this picture.
Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
She is eating a chocolate chip cookie.
It's hard to get her to smile.
I'm teasing her. I love this picture.
Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sad Visit
I went to see Mom on Sunday as I have been doing since the weather has been too cold to take her out. She was asleep again. I could not wake her. So I sat with her while she slept. She didn't move a muscle. I played a game on my iPhone and dozed a little myself. Then when it was time for her to go to supper I helped the aid get her out of bed and into her chair, which was not an easy job. She perked up when she saw a little child in the hallway. For the most part though she was pretty non-responsive. I went away very sad.
Today, I popped in the NH to talk to the Financial Officer about payment for Mom's bill. My brother has not been paying her bills and they were trying to get her SS check sent directly to them. They have made progress with that. Mom's check is no longer going to my brother (I bet he's really surpriced about that) but the NH is not getting it yet. They have filed for it however. In the meantime I have the money I need to file for gaurdianship. That will be a big accomplishment. I have been told to make an appointment with the lawyer to discuss what I do next. I still want to get her personal property back especially her pictures.
But, Mom is not eating again. And she is sleeping more and more. She has lost all interest in everything. I go to see her because I miss her but I go away still missing her. I STILL do not want her to starve herself. The NH staff look at me like that is a wrong thing.
I am not sleeping. I wake up in the early morning and I think about Mom and what is happening. I try to plan what I will do when the time comes but I just can't wrap my mind around it. The Financial Officer said today that there will be people available to help me when the time comes. It helps but it makes me cry too. I don't want to plan a funeral or how to pay for one. I want to plan quiet afternoons sitting in the backyard watching the humming birds. Man I feel cheated.
Today, I popped in the NH to talk to the Financial Officer about payment for Mom's bill. My brother has not been paying her bills and they were trying to get her SS check sent directly to them. They have made progress with that. Mom's check is no longer going to my brother (I bet he's really surpriced about that) but the NH is not getting it yet. They have filed for it however. In the meantime I have the money I need to file for gaurdianship. That will be a big accomplishment. I have been told to make an appointment with the lawyer to discuss what I do next. I still want to get her personal property back especially her pictures.
But, Mom is not eating again. And she is sleeping more and more. She has lost all interest in everything. I go to see her because I miss her but I go away still missing her. I STILL do not want her to starve herself. The NH staff look at me like that is a wrong thing.
I am not sleeping. I wake up in the early morning and I think about Mom and what is happening. I try to plan what I will do when the time comes but I just can't wrap my mind around it. The Financial Officer said today that there will be people available to help me when the time comes. It helps but it makes me cry too. I don't want to plan a funeral or how to pay for one. I want to plan quiet afternoons sitting in the backyard watching the humming birds. Man I feel cheated.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentines Day
Went to see Mom tonight after work. I took her some chocolates. I can always count on her liking chocolates. Each time I see her, I see how the disease is advancing. She prefers to be in bed asleep. I don't want her to be in bed all the time because I know there will be a time when that will happen. We don't talk. I just sit with her. Tonight she got into her bed and went to sleep. I just sat there with her. I think she knows I'm there. She seems to take comfort in my being there. I stayed until the aid came in to get her ready for bed. Mom asked if I was coming back. I said yes. That was all she wanted.
Becca is on tonight. Becca is our daughter-in-law. She is especially patient with Mom. The nurses let her give Mom her evening meds when she is on. Mom likes her. It's funny they have their connection. They did not meet until Mom was admitted to the Waters. But Mom senses that Becca is special and responds to to her. Becca would have loved Mom before she got dementia. It's a pleasant relief that she loves her now.
As far as I know, Mom's bills are still not being paid. I am so grateful that the NH has assured me they will not put Mom out for nonpayment and that it will not affect her care. But it does. She needs some extras, a haircut, perm, clothes, a rocker. She gets none of these because she has not money of her own. BUT, I am going to get her hair cut and I am going to ask Kathy (my daughter) to perm her hair.
I also need to find out if Mom still owns her burrial plot. If she does, then I need to find out the easiest and cost effective way to get her back to Minnesota when the time comes. I hate having to think about these things but I know better then to leave them till later. I doubt if my sister knows and I bet if my brother could he has sold the plot. If that is the case, do I bury her here (not what she would want) or how do I take her back and where do I bury her and the most aweful question of all how much will it cost? That and I WANT her pictures (my brother has them buried in a storage shed somewhere).
I use my old defense mechanism of compartmentizing to handle these thoughts. I am SO glad I have learned to lock them away because I would be a real basket case if I couldn't. I have to admit though that I am sad, beyond MAD, worried, confused. Sometimes I want to KILL-not shoot but bare handed beat to a pulp KILL. All these emotions from a good christian woman. I can't describe the conflict that lies just under the surface. When it really gets supper overwelming, I go sit with Mom. Just watching her calms me. I let my love for her wash over her and back to me. It makes me thank God for every lucid moment we have together. I am so thankful that she is here with me. All the other crap is worth whatever time she and I have.
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
Becca is on tonight. Becca is our daughter-in-law. She is especially patient with Mom. The nurses let her give Mom her evening meds when she is on. Mom likes her. It's funny they have their connection. They did not meet until Mom was admitted to the Waters. But Mom senses that Becca is special and responds to to her. Becca would have loved Mom before she got dementia. It's a pleasant relief that she loves her now.
As far as I know, Mom's bills are still not being paid. I am so grateful that the NH has assured me they will not put Mom out for nonpayment and that it will not affect her care. But it does. She needs some extras, a haircut, perm, clothes, a rocker. She gets none of these because she has not money of her own. BUT, I am going to get her hair cut and I am going to ask Kathy (my daughter) to perm her hair.
I also need to find out if Mom still owns her burrial plot. If she does, then I need to find out the easiest and cost effective way to get her back to Minnesota when the time comes. I hate having to think about these things but I know better then to leave them till later. I doubt if my sister knows and I bet if my brother could he has sold the plot. If that is the case, do I bury her here (not what she would want) or how do I take her back and where do I bury her and the most aweful question of all how much will it cost? That and I WANT her pictures (my brother has them buried in a storage shed somewhere).
I use my old defense mechanism of compartmentizing to handle these thoughts. I am SO glad I have learned to lock them away because I would be a real basket case if I couldn't. I have to admit though that I am sad, beyond MAD, worried, confused. Sometimes I want to KILL-not shoot but bare handed beat to a pulp KILL. All these emotions from a good christian woman. I can't describe the conflict that lies just under the surface. When it really gets supper overwelming, I go sit with Mom. Just watching her calms me. I let my love for her wash over her and back to me. It makes me thank God for every lucid moment we have together. I am so thankful that she is here with me. All the other crap is worth whatever time she and I have.
- Linda Shumaker uses BlogPress from my iPhone
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